Ryan Gosling

101 Everyday Ways for Men to Be Allies to Women

I’ve considered myself a feminist and male ally to women for quite some time. When I took my first Women’s Studies class two years ago with Professor Denise Witzig, little did I know that it would take me down an unsuspecting, beautiful, and transformative path towards feminism. Below, I’ve complied a list of 101 everyday ways for men to be allies to women. I must acknowledge that this post was written with cisgender, heterosexual men as a possible, target audience due to the lack of support from this group. However, I feel that many of these points are applicable on a broader scale. If you have suggestions or additions to this list, I’ve included my email at the end of this post. I’m totally open to dialogue. While some of these points were suggested to me by friends, most of them come from my personal experience with allyship and feminist activism.

1. Recognize your privileges, especially your male privilege (and white privilege if applicable).

  • I’m very intentional in making this point first. Understanding all of your privileges are the core principle of allyship towards women and people who identify outside the gender spectrum. Male privilege is a set of privileges that all men (or anybody that identifies as male) benefit from under patriarchy. All of these privileges are at the expense of women and other subordinate groups. Here’s a good list of examples of male privileges! (The Male Privilege Checklist)

2. Make a daily effort to acknowledge and then challenge your male privilege.

  • In order to be a successful ally, you must make a daily effort to understand privilege. As a male, it is your social responsibility to be conscious of your privileges. Use this consciousness to explore different situations. For example, how would a situation been different if it were a woman in your position? Would a woman have been treated differently than you?

3. Recognize that your male privilege (among other privileges) may in fact blind you to others’ experiences.

  • Allies are not perfect by any means. We will make mistakes. What we choose to do after making a mistake is what will determine our effectiveness as allies. Therefore, it is very important to come to terms with the fact that we do not know everything! Because of our privilege, we are going to be blinded to situations that only a woman would be able to speak to. So please, recognize this blindspot and don’t take it personally when someone corrects you for overlooking something.

4. Wall posters and iPhone wallpapers of semi-nude girls…Really? Take em down if you got em.

  • If you’re serious about being an ally, I think this point is somewhat obvious. Let me put it to you this way…By having that poster or wallpaper up, you are objectifying a woman and her body. Plain and simple. Odds are… you have it up simply because you like the way she looks in a bikini or just completely naked. Guess what… Women. Are. Not. Objects. How are you ever going to work with a woman or take any woman seriously (for that matter) if all you care about is looks?

5. Stop catcalling.

  • Many of my female friends have told me that instances of catcalling and street harassment are some of the most frightening, awkward, intrusive, and degrading experiences of their lives. By catcalling, you are contributing to a culture that teaches women to be scared and be constantly aware of their environments. By catcalling, you are contributing to a notion that all men are perverted assholes who have zero respect for women. By catcalling, you are promoting a sexist culture. You are not giving women the right to feeling safe and comfortable in public life. Stop now. With that said…
  • Please check out Hollaback‘s website.  They are doing amazing work on street harassment!!!

6. Be conscious of where your eyes wander as a woman walks by. Change that behavior.

  • Another example of street harassment… Look guys, we have been brought up to objectify women. Not all of us will admit it, but we are all guilty of doing this at some point in our lives. Even as a guy taking Women’s Studies classes, I’ve honestly caught myself starting at a woman on occasions. Granted, I’ve done tons of internal work towards unlearning sexist behaviors and instead advocating for non-sexist ways of interacting with “potential love interests.” I am not perfect. I’m going to mess up, but I have to keep working towards eliminating this behavior in order to call myself an effective ally.

7. Stop assuming that random girls like you just because they smile at you and make eye contact.

  • This may be a surprise to you, but smiling isn’t always a sign of potential sign of interest and attraction. Sometimes, it just means the person is nice and wants to acknowledge your existence as a human being. (I hope you’re picking up my tone)

8. Be aware of how you flirt with a woman.

9. Walk on the other side of the street when a woman is walking towards you at night.

  • I make every effort when I’m out at night to pose myself as a non-threatening person in order to make women feel more comfortable. Some ways that I do so include making sure my hands are always visible as I’m passing a woman, looking downward or away from the woman I’m passing by, or just completely crossing the street so the woman coming towards me doesn’t feel threatened in any way by my presence. I do what I can as a conscious male. It’s also important to recognize that I am Latino. Sadly, men of color are more likely to be profiled as dangerous than white men. I began this practice knowing that I will be seen as more dangerous and threatening.
  • Women as a class have been taught to be fearful of going out at night (Sexual assault, kidnapping, robbery, stalking, you name it…) Our society gives women many reasons and messages to justify living by a “rape schedule.” In other words, women tend to tailor their schedules in order to minimize any potential danger. This could translate into things like not going to the gym at night because of the dangers of walking back to your car afterwards. Or…this could translate into extreme awareness and concealed carry of weapons like mace, stun guns, firearms, etc.

10. If you’re going to be chivalrous (on dates) or in everyday life, do it for everyone out of kindness, not just for women or people you think aren’t capable of doing things themselves.

  • Some people say chivalry is dead. Others think it most definitely exists AND is based on sexism and essentialism. I think that chivalry is an amazing concept when practiced by everyone, for everyone. While some women may admire a man who opens doors for them, pays the bill every time, or walks on the street side of the sidewalk when walking next to them… I’m a firm believer that chivalry should apply to everyone out of kindness for your fellow human beings.

11. Treat women at your workplace with genuine respect, especially in male-dominated professions.

  • Historically, the workplace has been male-dominated. It’s time to redefine this space and give women the same respect we would expect others to give us.

12. Enjoy popular culture with many grains of salt.

  • Everything we read, watch, hear, or see in the media has an effect on us. As men working to become allies, it is imperative that we recognize the implications of the cultural messages we are receiving. If you disagree with me, then the subliminal advertising and messages has most definitely had its’ effect.

13. Be comfortable with being uncomfortable.

  • This point is extremely important AND vital. The only way to learn is to put yourself out there, especially in situations that make you uncomfortable. For example, I read feminist books, participate in dialogues about patriarchy, and seek out spaces with a lot of women to talk about feminism. Often times, these books and dialogues consist of difficult conversations surrounding men and patriarchy that COULD make me feel targeted and singled out as a member of that group and beneficiary of the system. I want to be an effective ally; therefore it is my social responsibility to stay despite discomfort.

14. Listen.

  • Women’s lived experiences and knowledge are at the core of feminism and allyship to women. While this movement requires people of all genders coming together to take collective action, it all began with women coming together to rally against sexism. Instead of jumping in and stumbling over women to make your opinions heard on an issue, take a step back and actually listen to what’s already being said. There is so much you could learn. As an ally, I’m still trying to perfect this skill, but I make a daily effort (even in the smallest settings such as a one-on-one conversation with a female friend) to listen instead of talking all the time.

15. Monitor your use of words.

  • Stop using words, telling jokes, or making comments that are offensive or could be interpreted as offensive. You can’t be a male ally and still call women bitches, sluts, whores, or whatever degrading words come to mind. You must check yourself.

16. Never force your opinions on other people.

  • Learn to step back. Stop leading conversations, especially in feminist settings where you should instead consider yourself as a guest. Even in these feminist spaces, you (as a male) bring male privilege into the room. Therefore, you must be aware of that privilege and offer your opinions only when it feels right. Collaboration and communication requires that all people be heard and respected.

17. Be conscious of your words and the effects it could have on others.

  • Through my experience, this point will be one of your first tests of commitment to this movement. You can’t predict what effect your words will have on someone else, whether it be in one-to-one conversations or collective dialogues. Therefore, you’re going to be called out. Be ready for that. Remember what I said about being comfortable with being uncomfortable? This is what I mean.

18. Be pro-choice.

  • Being pro-choice is a given. I say this because women must always have control over THEIR own bodies. The fact that there is legislation and dialogue in our government around this issue completely angers me. Why are men (the majority in our government) making decisions about women’s bodies?

19. Let yourself cry and be emotional.

  • Men are taught that showing emotion (especially in public) is frowned upon and not masculine. Screw that… Challenge traditional expectations of masculinity and stand in solidarity with women and the LGBT community in changing gender expectations. Crying, being emotional, and being true to how you really feel despite cultural expectations is a MUST.

20. Ask for consent, always.

  • Always ask for consent from your sexual partner. We (men) aren’t taught that consent is something to bring up, but I promise you that asking for consent and being on that intimate level with your sexual partner will give you a more liberating experience. Some women may find it weird that you ask, but don’t let that deter you from doing the right thing.

21. Read websites like Feministing, Colorlines, Jezebel, etc. for your news sources.

  • Check out these sites DAILY! All of them have great news stories from a feminist perspective and will help you in your journey towards becoming a better ally. What’s great about these sites is that they always have links to other great websites.

22. Take a Women’s Studies class.

  • If you’re in high school or college, think about taking a Women’s Studies class. I promise you that this will change your perspectives as a man. It will change your life. Taking my first Women’s Studies class provided me the entry point to talk about gender, patriarchy, and oppression in the United States. It also led to me later deciding to be a Women’s Studies Major. Trust me, take an introduction class. If you’re done with college, seek out workshops or classes in your local area. The internet is a great resource. I’m sure you can find some great online classes or webinars.

23. Acknowledge the lived experiences of women and LGBT-identified people.

  • As a male ally, you should never assume or speak on behalf of women and the LGBT community. Your job is to listen and to acknowledge what members of these groups are telling you about their lives. Being an ally to one community carries the responsibility to be an ally towards other communities like the LGBT community.

24. Support same-sex marriage. Given.

  • My sister identifies as a lesbian. As her brother, I have made this point very central to my own work as an ally to women.

25. Pick up a feminist book from your local bookstore to start off.

  • One major aspect of being an ally is education. Put in the work and seek the appropriate resources. Here are some great books that I would suggest starting out with!

26. Get involved with school programs and events.

  • Allyship isn’t just about educating yourself, it’s about taking action. Seek out Women’s Resource Centers, Mutlicultural Centers, diversity organizations, or any program/event that is advocating for social justice issues.

27. Support non-profit organizations and pro-feminist groups.

  • Subscribe to email lists, participate in forums, seek internships, or become a part of non-profit organizations. There are plenty of ways to get involved!

28. Journal daily and reflect on your behaviors, thoughts, ideas, etc.

  • We all need self-reflection time. I’ve found journaling about my experiences and journey to be extremely helpful in keeping me motivated and connected to the broader movement.

29. Challenge everyday sexism in your life. 

  • This can come in many forms. One way I challenge everyday sexism is to call out my friends when they say something sexist or misogynistic. Also, when I’m at work, I make sure that ALL voices and opinions are being heard.

30. Don’t just talk the talk. Walk your talk.

  • Being a male ally isn’t a 9-5 job. You can’t choose when and when not to be an ally. If you’re brave enough to do this, you must do it all the way. Apply feminism to your daily life. Calling yourself an ally or a feminist is way more than a label…It’s even more than a lifestyle… You must immerse yourself and do the best you can down to your very core.

31. Stop telling her you’re “different than other guys.” Don’t speak. Do.

  • Actions speak louder than words. Actually be different.

32. Call out your friends on oppressive behaviors, jokes, or comments.

  • This is a perfect example of everyday sexism. For most of us guys, following this point may be difficult. Sexist language is so normalized among groups of guys, but you must do your best to challenge your friends. Get them to empathize and support the movement to end sexism.

33. Challenge other men to do the same.

  • This information is useless if you keep it to yourself. Influence the men in your life in a positive way. It is your responsibility to get other men to see their male privilege and care about fighting patriarchy. If all of us work collectively, there is so much good we can do in the world.

34. Reflect on how you were raised as a boy.

  • Early socialization taught us how to be the men we are today. Our experiences, learned lessons, and countless lectures from our parents have shaped us into the people we are today. With your feminist consciousness, closely examine your childhood and reflect on how you were taught to be a man. Challenge your past and redefine your masculinity. Be who you truly want to be.

35. Strengthen your relationships with other men.

  • I went through a brief period when I hated men because there are so few who openly believe and practice feminist ideals and allyship. After some self-reflection, I came to realize that this is my calling and role in the feminist movement. As a male ally, I should make every effort to be friendly and close to the people in my life without fear of repercussions. Often times, men who have close relationships with other men are seen as homosexual. That is completely messed up and demonstrates a perfect example of the institutionalized homophobia in our society.

36. Take paternity leave if you’re a father.

  • Challenge the status quo. Be an involved father, and take part raising the next generation. Teach your son to love and respect women. They rely on you for guidance.

37. Support musicians and artists that do not degrade women in their music and lyrics.

  • In a country where many top artists make money off music with misogynistic or demeaning lyrics, we must support the growing number of musicians, artists, rappers, etc. who are making great music that promotes social justice and equality.

38. Put yourself in situations for self-growth through activism.

  • If you have an opportunity to learn more through a job, internship, or position in activism, I encourage you to give it a whirl. Activism is a beautiful, raw way to put your beliefs into practice.

39. Redefine your masculinity in a pro-feminist way.

  • Understanding your masculinity is essential to being an effective ally to women. As men, we are taught to uphold sexist ideals and behaviors through crazy gender roles expectations. Men are suppose to be tough, strong, emotionless, straight, muscular, etc. Under these expectations, many men are stigmatized, punished, harassed, or shunned for stepping out of these “normal” manly behaviors. Men can’t be their truest selves out of fear of stigmatization. Guys, we are all being hurt by patriarchy and these crazy expectations. We are forced into being something we’re not. It’s time that we redefine the masculinity and what it mean to be a man in a way that doesn’t oppression or subordinate women or any group of people.

40. Never seek recognition or affirmation.

  • While some men are made fun of for caring about women’s rights and feminism, there is very something alluring about being a male feminist (or so I hear). There aren’t many of us, therefore it may seem tempting to let this get to your head. Also, it may seem tempting to seek validation and verbal recognition from women and people you know for caring about these issues and being different. Guess what, this is your responsibility. Why should you receive recognition when women don’t? This is why I absolutely hate it when I’m recognized at conferences for being one of like two or three males present. I don’t want the recognition and neither should you. Don’t advertise yourself as a “male feminist” in search of respect. You’re just going to come across as rude, fake, and completely disrespectful. Do the work with humility and modesty.

41. Recognize that you contribute to women’s oppression by NOT acting.

  • Every single day is an opportunity to prove your commitment to this movement. Historically, men have done little to truly support women in the fight for equal rights and gender equity. Therefore, if you choose to ignore these issues, you are directly contributing to the perpetuation of a culture that subordinates women. So take action.

42. Claim the feminist label. 

  • While I’m not a huge fan of labels, I strongly feel that calling yourself a feminist is a necessary action, especially for men. The term “feminist” has been completely stigmatized and stereotyped in recent years; therefore, I think it’s important for men to claim this label as a political statement and stand in solidarity with our feminist sisters. In addition to claiming the label, men must take action to back it up.

43. Blogs. Online Communities. Find spaces to dialogue with other like-minded feminist men.

  • Seek out online and offline resources and communities to dialogue and be surrounded by other like-minded feminist men. Being around other male allies is a very empowering experience; it replenishes your energy level, confidence, and comfortability doing this work. It makes you feel not-so-alone. While dialoguing with women in feminist spaces is a rewarding experience, it’s also important that we share our thoughts and experiences with other male allies. We must hold each other accountable.

44. Don’t be the hero, savior, or knight in shining armor.

  • Allyship isn’t about rescuing people from their oppressors, as if they couldn’t do it on their own. Allyship is about standing in solidarity and working together to collectively tackle a social problem.

45. Attend a women’s rights protest.

  • -There is nothing else like it! You’re going to love it.

46. Strengthen the relationships with the women in your life.

  • As an ally, I am motivated by women in my life. I value every single one of their friendships. Without them, I wouldn’t be doing this work. Therefore, I think it’s very important for me and for all men to be treasure your friendships with women.

47. Work with your partner or spouse on how to mutually share responsibilities. 

  • Screw gender roles… Work towards an egalitarian relationship. Ask your partner to have a conversation about your relationship and what you can do to make things more equal. Whether it be housework or finances, men must make the effort to show that they want to start stepping up.

48. Men aren’t the only ones who have orgasms. Remember that!!!

  • Don’t be selfish. Make her the priority. Communicate with her and I’m sure you’ll have a better sex life.

49. Don’t judge women by their choice of clothing.

  • Women should be able to wear whatever the hell they want without you or society judging them. While I’m on this topic, I also want to point out that a woman’s choice of clothes never merits unwanted advances or sexual harassment. So stop thinking a woman is slutty if she’s wearing little clothing or stuck up because she’s completely covered up.

50. Watch Miss Representation and Tough Guise.

  • These films are my requirement for YOU. Watch them. They’re brilliant and provide great contemporary analyzes of masculinity and femininity in popular culture.

51. Make time out of your day to call your mother and catch up with her.

  • All of us have special, unique relationships with our mothers (wherever they may be), regardless of race, class, sexual orientation, nation of origin, religion, etc. My mother was the first woman I ever met in my lifetime. She’s been my greatest inspiration in the ally work I do. Therefore, I do my best to always catch up with her and be inspired to continue going forth.

52. Learn about your own familial roots and culture.

  • If you don’t know where you came from, it’s going to be be difficult to see where you’re going. Explore! Culture and diversity is beautiful, and being able to appreciate and respect culture will make you a better ally.
  • Intersectionality is vital to allyship! Your race/ethnicity are important, and it will set you down different paths. White male allies will have different experiences than male allies of color. Understanding how your identities intersect matter!

53. Treat all women equally. Race, class, or any other identity category should never dictate your treatment.

  • Enough said.

54. Catch yourself whenever you slip.

  • Hold yourself accountable. Be aware of your actions, words, and behaviors, and call yourself out when you do something or see something oppressive, sexist, or just completely wrong…

55. Seek out online blogs and magazines that talk about current events and race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, religion, etc.

56. Think about issues and your own life from an intersectional lens.

  • Expanding on #52… We all have different experiences as men. We come from different backgrounds; therefore, we must take all of our identities into account when examining specific issues. For example, being a Latino, heterosexual male, I’m most definitely going to have a different opinion than a White, homosexual male on same-sex marriage. Rather than simply looking at issues as a male, it’s important that we all consider our complete background. This will give us the opportunity to acknowledge all voices and backgrounds and have a real dialogue around issues.

57. Don’t dwell on the past, but don’t forget where you came from.

  • We can’t change the past. Rather than dwell, we must come to terms with what we’ve done, who we’ve hurt, or what we didn’t do.  It’s important to stay connected to who we once were. That way, you can see your progress and be inspired to keep on going. People who know you will see you evolve.

58. Support other people who advocate for gender equality.

  • Doing this work can be very tiring,exhausting, and demotivating, especially when there are few who openly express their commitment to allyship through activism. I love connecting to other activists who are doing the same work. It’s very uplifting, especially in a movement that requires collaboration and support to succeed.

59. Respect “her” culture.

  • Make an effort to learn about your girlfriend, partner, or spouse’s cultural background. Respect her culture’s traditions and love ALL of her.

60. Don’t assume she will take your last name if you both agree to marry.

  • It’s a social norm that the woman takes the last name of the husband. However, more and more women today are deciding to hyphenate their names or just stick to their own last names. Communication and respect are vital to a happy relationship. I would suggest asking her about this issue rather than let her bring it up. It shows you care.

61. Respect confidentiality.

  • Be someone that women and other men can trust. When it comes to this work, you’re going to learn a lot of new information, and some of it may be very sensitive. People may share difficult experiences with you relating to  sexual assault, intimate partner violence, abusive relationships, suicide, eating disorders, addiction, etc. If someone trusts you, you must uphold that trust and be someone that they can rely on.

62. Be willing to listen and know when to refer people to other resources.

  • Put yourself out as a resource for people. Be there to listen, but trust your instincts. If you think an issue is way over your head, refer your friend to a person and place where they can get the appropriate help.

63. Defy traditional male stereotypes.

  • Don’t be like everyone else. Look for ways to express yourself freely without societal repercussion. If you like something that isn’t traditionally “masculine,” go do it! Be your truest self and encourage other men to follow. Being in touch with your masculinity is a very freeing experience.

64. Use your male privilege to advance feminist discussions in male-dominated spaces.

  • Most guys don’t openly advocate for women’s rights (to my knowledge). As a conscious male, this will be one of your most important roles in the movement. Unfortunately, your voice tends to carry more weight than a woman’s in male-dominated spaces or professions. Therefore, as a conscious male, it is your responsibility to offer up perspectives, ideas, and thoughts about feminism, equality, healthy masculinity, and other topics related to this movement. Challenge the existing structure and work towards making your institution a more inclusive space. Fight the social norm and refuse to be like everyone else. Stand up for what you believe in. You’re going to encounter resistance, but that’s just part of the job description.

65. Recognize that we don’t define what being an ally entails. Women have that job.

  • We must recognize that being an ally requires us to be in constant communication and collaboration with women. Don’t go off and be a feminist vigilante or something crazy like that. Talk to the women in your life. Ask them what they need from men in the movement. Throughout my journey as an ally, I have always looked forward to conversations with other feminists about men and their roles in the feminist movement. I’ve received multiple interpretations. One way that I see myself making a difference is creating this post. I’ve compiled this list from my own journey, as well as from the words of many feminists in my life.

66. Never give up.

  • As you become more and more immersed in feminism, allyship, and social justice, there may be times where you feel like giving up or taking break. Trust me, the work you are or will be doing is making a difference. This work may not yield immediate results or instant gratification, but I promise you that it leads to a better life. Go forth.

67. Combat rape culture in your social circle, workplaces, or school.

  • We live in victim-blaming society that promotes rape culture. Rather than address perpetrators of sexual assault (for example), our society loves to focus on the victim, asking questions like: Why were you out so late? What were you wearing? Why didn’t you leave before the situation became unsafe? How drunk were you? For more information on rape culture, check out this great site! (FORCE: Upsetting the Culture of Rape)
  • As a male ally, you must combat rape culture. Most men unknowingly support this culture, especially on college campuses. Therefore, it’s your job to make noise. Raise awareness around sexual assault and rape culture. Collaborate with others to fight for structural and cultural change. Most importantly, never blame victims of sexual assault. Be there for support.

68. Hold other men accountable.

  • As male allies, we must have systems of accountability in order to keep us in check and make sure we’re doing things right. Women will hold you accountable. It is your job to hold yourself accountable AND keep other men accountable. If you see or hear anything sexist, speak out. If a guy is blinded by his male privilege when taking feminist action, do your best to make him aware.

69. Be an active bystander. If you witness harassment, do something about it.

  • Never be a bystander. If you see something wrong, do something about it. Stand up, make noise, call the police…do something. Look for signs of harassment or danger and intervene if you see a situation escalating very quickly. There are different methods of intervening, and I strongly suggest you do some research on that. You could be the difference between someone living and dying. Yea, it can be that extreme.

 70. Learn and use appropriate vocabulary.

  • Go back to #25 and check out those books. Familiarize yourself. Here are some keywords you should know: feminism, patriarchy, oppression, privilege, resistance, intersectionality, LGBTQQIAA (and what each letter stands for), double consciousness, masculinity, femininity, differences between sex and gender, gender spectrum, sexism (and all of the -isms), glass ceiling, glass escalator, whiteness, etc. That’s a good starter list. Believe me, there’s a lot more.

71. Advocate for more inclusive policies, rules, or procedures in your school or workplace.

  • This goes back to doing more than just educating yourself. Make your environment more inclusive. Use your male privilege to advocate for changes to the structure or protocol of your school/college or workplace. Rally the troops and take pride in grassroots organization. Make noise.

72. Speak as if a woman is always listening. 

  • Always be conscious of your words and actions.

73. Be aware of your heterosexual privilege.

74. Celebrate milestones and victories with women and the LGBT communities.

  • Rise in solidarity and celebrate victories and milestones. You’re an ally and supporter. Therefore, you should show your commitment by joining in. Many people (including yourself) will have fought difficult battles. Live a little and use these moments to continue the work! For example, I went down to the Castro after SCOTUS’s rulings on marriage equality were released. I was so inspired by the liveliness and energy. Being in this space made me proud to be an ally.

75. Be proud to be an ally.

  • You are or will be doing amazing work, and you should be proud of that.

76. Seek out children’s books for your kids that challenge traditional gender roles.

77. Be able to laugh at yourself. 


78. Challenge entitlement.

  • Contrary to what society tells you, women don’t owe us anything. They don’t own us hugs, kisses, smiles, acknowledgement, or sex. Nothing. We never have the right to assert dominance over women’s bodies or personal space.

79. Recognize that this movement is much larger than yourself.

  • This movement isn’t about you. Try not to take anything personally. Work with the discomfort and use that to advance the movement.

80. Make your space feminist!

  • Posters, wall art, flags, or any feminist propaganda! Make your room an inclusive, decorative place to remind you of what you’re invested in. On my wall, I have posters and flyers from all the events and protests I have ever attended in my college career.

81. Make a Twitter account.

  • I’ve found tremendous success in connecting to other feminists and allies via Twitter! I strongly suggest you make a Twitter and use that to keep up with feminist blogs, activists, and movements.

82. Familiarize yourself with this book. You’ll thank me later.

Feminist Ryan Gosling
83. This might go without saying, but be conscious of other social problems and issues! All oppression is connected.

  • Don’t just focus on women’s rights and feminism… Broaden your lens and explore issues such as immigration, poverty, militarization, prison-industrial complex, food politics, transnational social movements, etc. With time, you’ll find that everything is connected.

84. Cook with your girlfriend, partner, or spouse.

  • Come on, it’s cute. It shows her you care. It might even help you out later down the road.

85. Support and vote for political candidates who advocate policies beneficial to women, LGBT people, and other marginalized groups of people.

  • If you don’t see yourself going into politics, vote for candidates who would be in structural power to make effective change for marginalized groups of people.

86. Join the Feminist Network Project and stay connected to thousands of feminists worldwide.

Afficher International Feminist Network sur une carte plus grande
87. Support feminist media.

  • In the sea of mainstream media lie some very badass filmmakers, producers, and films that can be classified as feminist. This slowly growing (yet very powerful) genre produces great films and I highly recommend you check all of them out. Support filmmakers, musicians, artists, or anyone in the media industry defying social norms and drawing attention to the feminist cause.

88. Embrace the haters. You can learn a lot from them.

  • There are going to be people that disagree with you. Some of your friends might stop talking to you. Others may be puzzled, question your sexuality, or look at you in a completely different way. Embrace it. You are standing up while many choose to remain seated. You are a trailblazer in your community. Look for opportunities to face the “haters” head on. Challenge them and invite them for conversations, whether it be on Facebook, over the phone, or in person. You’d be surprised how much you can learn from hearing other different perspectives.

89. Don’t fall for websites or causes that claim men are oppressed (by feminism). One example is A Voice For Men.

  • Men are never oppressed by patriarchy. These websites like to depict feminism as a threat to men and masculinity. It’s not… While men’s rights activists hold different perspectives, I would actually recommend reading some of their material to see the difference and create dialogue. It’s good to get angry and hear other groups.

90. Travel to unfamiliar places.

  • Interpret this as you will. It could mean visiting a different country or exploring unknown parts of the city you live in. The goal is to broaden your horizons and be more in touch with the world you live in. I love exploring, and every time I discover new places around me, I feel energized, motivated, and proud to fight for what I believe in.

91. Ask questions (but not too many)!

  • If you have a question about allyship, ask fellow feminists! However, try your best not to make these people your sole sources of information. Do research and educate yourself.

92. Start a blog!

  • We need more male allies actively blogging online. I love hearing different perspectives and connecting with other feminists interested in dialogue. If you create a blog, please email me your link! (michaelaurbina@gmail.com)

93. Buy your books at local, independent bookstores.

  • I’ve had more luck finding feminist books in independent bookstores, not corporate bookstores like Barnes & Noble. Your selection is going to be much greater if you go to these places. Google Search bookstores in your area!

94. Showcase your feminist pride! (If you’re comfortable).

  • Wear t-shirts, sport wristbands, or put cool bumper stickers on your car. Make noise! There are many different ways to do so. As a man, you’re bound to draw attention and possibly rally support with your feminist gear. Here’s my favorite t-shirt design.

This is What a Feminist Looks Like

 95. Seek out role models and pick their brains.

  • Whether it be a favorite author/blogger or activist, do your best to get into contact with that person and ask them questions. Twitter and e-mail have been my biggest successes! Take their advice and look for opportunities to collaborate. You don’t have to reinvent the wheel. Learn! :)

96. Respect women’s spaces for dialogue.

  • While male allies are important and vital to the success of the feminist movement, it’s important that you respect spaces for women to have conversations and dialogues amongst themselves. Learn to step back.

97. Appearances should never matter. Promote self-love and healthy body images!

  • Mainstream media constantly bombards us with messages and advertisements to make us feel dissatisfied and unhappy with ourselves and our appearance. That’s just stupid. You are perfect just the way you are. Be proud of your body, and respect others for theirs.

98. Turn magazines that promote sexism and unhealthy body image backwards at your local supermarkets and newsstands.

  • One of my friends offered me this piece of advice. When you’re out shopping, turn or completely cover magazines that promote sexist and unhealthy messages to women and men. People are bound to wonder what you’re doing. It’s a very creative way of drawing attention and inviting people to have dialogues around feminism and the media. Here are some examples of magazines I’d turn over in a heartbeat:

99. Be careful not to burn out.

  • At times, you are going to feel demotivated, stressed, and tired from this work. There may come a time where you come close or actually experience complete burnout. I’ve experienced this a couple of times, but I’ve always rediscovered my passion by reflecting on my past accomplishments and victories. Also, I found mainstream media and blatant sexism in my everyday life to be strong motivations to continue the work. I came to realize that this work truly is my social responsibility.

100. Develop your own methods of self-care.

  • In order to decrease your chances of burnout, find ways of practicing self-care in order to keep you motivated and productive in allyship. Self-care can come in many forms. For example: playing sports, hiking, doing yoga, reading non-feminist literature, going off the grid, dancing, working out, spending time with friends and family, etc. The possibilities are endless, but once you find things that make you happy, stick to them!

101. Please suggest further additions and edits to this list.

  • I’ve developed this list from both my own experiences and suggestions from many friends whom identify as a feminist. Because of my male privilege, I’m 100% sure that I missed things. If you have anything you would like to discuss or add to this list, please feel free to email me anytime (michaelaurbina@gmail.com)! Or… feel free to comment below. I would love to hear what you think! Thanks!


^ Featured Image – Ryan Gosling (Photo Credit)

  • Charles Clymer

    *standing ovation*

    Seriously, Michael. Well done.

    • michaelurbina

      Thank you Charles!

    • DLZ

      Oh Chlamydiar, ever the mangina.

    • Maya Willis

      this faaaag needs serious help

  • jeronimo

    great job, brother. though, given the racist history of the american feminist movement, i’d mention race in the intersectionality bit….don’t think i saw it there.

    • michaelurbina

      Thank you very much! Yup, I totally agree. Now that I’m re-reading some sections, I did forget to highly emphasize race as a key identity to intersectionality, especially since I identify as Latino. I’ll rewrite some sections and add to this list!

  • Llerena Perozo Porteiro

    Thank you very much, Michael. You are actually an ally!
    I would like to translate your post to my languages (spanish and galician), to spread it. Of course, I would quote your authorship. Am I Allowed to?

    • michaelurbina

      Thank you for reading. Yes, you most definitely have my permmission, so long as credit is given. :)

      • Llerena Perozo Porteiro

        Ok! Let´s translate, then :)

  • Kumar Ramanathan

    This is fantastic! Thank you so much for putting this all together. There’s one small thing I would add to point #39 (redefine your masculinity in a feminist way): many men don’t feel comfortable with conventional notions of masculinity, and many don’t express themselves in that way. For those that identify with that kind of experience, I think it’s important to reflect critically, understand how one’s experience differs from cultural norms of masculinity, and embrace those differences through a feminist lens.

  • David Brooks

    102. Don’t use porn

    • Natalie

      This is a complicated issue, as a woman, I don’t see a problem with porn if it’s consensual, responsible, and takes the welfare of the participants into account. It’s important to talk about porn as something that isn’t covered in shame, because shame is the thing that breeds unhealthy obsessions and relationships with sex. Porn isn’t the problem, it’s talking about sex that is the problem. In the case of rougher enactment, or ‘rape fantasies’, its important that consent and boundary setting is shown prior to the film happening. Luckily this is happening more, and there are better, more responsible porn producers that take the female participants into account. It’s about choosing your porn and talking about it.

      • StarsUponThars

        “It’s important to talk about porn as something that isn’t covered in
        shame, because shame is the thing that breeds unhealthy obsessions and
        relationships with sex. Porn isn’t the problem, it’s talking about sex
        that is the problem”

        ^^ pretty much my contribution to every “is porn toxic?” conversation that i’ve ever weighed in on, in real life or on the internets.

        porn (most) and the way it’s used in our culture is a symptom of women being objectified, rape culture, etc. etc. if our culture was more ethical, porn most certainly would still exist. but it would look and be a whole lot different. and it would not be viewed in the same way.

        i totally respect people who don’t watch porn; hell, i don’t watch/enjoy porn. but i don’t think that watching porn has any affect on one’s ability to identify as a feminist, have healthy relationships and/or sexuality, or treat women/trans* folks with respect.

      • Hazza Jay

        Lol are you a male that watches porn? Most of us feel like shi* afterwards because of what we see in porn and what we do to ourselves while watching it. Perhaps its the effect of the refractory period after orgasm/ejaculation, but even then…thats when we are logical and aware of our thoughts and actions. Its a fact: porn plays on our sexuality in a way that makes it addictive. Why else would a male watch it? To get off. That’s the end-goal. Its a drug in my opinion, yet many will justify it for obvious reasons. Of course, watching porn with a partner is a different story. The only way I can see porn being consensual, responsible and taking into account of the welfare of the participants is Cindy Gallop’s makelovenotporn movement. Yet, even with that…there will be boys polishing their pole while watching it, which is understandable. But this does certainly support your statement about choosing your porn and its a much better option than what you see on sites such as youporn.com and xhamster.com.

    • mdcooper

      thank you. I can’t imagine a list of over 100 things wouldn’t mention porn as, in general*, an objectifying medium that males allies should aim to rid from their lives. Media in general (magazines, movies, tv shows, music) gets discussed all the time in terms of it’s objectifying effect on perceptions of women by both males and females, but then when it comes to porn, that’s all “fantasy” that doesn’t effect your real life perceptions? Please. Especially when most boys begin looking at it around age 11, far before they have their first sexual encounter with a human being, it has to somehow affect how they view women. The growing popularity of hairless genitals, anal sex, facials, etc. would not be the case if not for porn.

      *yes, I know there is “feminist” and female-friendly porn, but very large amounts of it and the most popular kinds are degrading. A quick Google search can tell you that much

      • AC

        This is so very puritanical. Rid it from my life indeed! It ascribes a set of moral beliefs about the nature of someone viewing pornography. I don’t watch it to objectify and you can’t logically assume I do. You are saying “men (or women) viewing pornography will do things like anal sex because a video showed it happening”. Give people some credit for making up their own minds.

        Oh no! Shaved pubic areas, anal sex, facials. That’s intrinsically bad! Wait… wait… no, no it’s not. You don’t get to define that something is bad. If two (or more) people want to involve oversized mangos, a Japanese clown and a toaster in their sex life then who are you to judge.

        The first encounter children have of driving is probably videogames like GTA but generally they don’t grow up to drive a hijacked cop car down a pedestrianised street.

        You argue that watching porn MUST influence people. Could it not be that people influence porn and that people’s interests result in a supply of certain pornography? Could it not be that people that are adventurous in bed are also more likely to seek out porn? No, no, it must be that these people are mindless drones that are seduced by “back seat bangers”.

  • Emma

    Agree with David Brooks:
    Don’t use porn.

    • JaneDoeNOLA

      Why not? Many, many, many sex workers are feminists, too.

  • Tina

    One thing that has come up in some of your points but could be clarified is:

    Understand the power you have and make sure you don’t use it to intimidate others (especially women)

    Examples of this could be: if you are interacting with a person dependent on you (for example, if you are a boss) understand that they might be more friendly to you or not protecting their boundaries as much as they would actually want to for fear of losing their job or not getting promoted. Or if you are talking to someone, make sure you position yourself in a way that doesn’t feel threatening to them. (Bad example would be the typical “arm to the wall” flirting position).

  • Natalie

    Would be good to see a few points specific to non-gender binary and trans too! Particularly how to be an ally to trans women. Trans women deal with drastically different issues, so a little nod to trans and intersectionality would really help with the stigma that is directed towards them.

    • michaelurbina

      Thank you. In all honesty, I am very ignorant on many aspects of the transgender community. Some of my friends have exposed me to some great literature, and hopefully after some reading and conversations, I’ll be comfortable offering some ideas. As of right now though, I don’t think I can speak to that.

      I completely agree with you! There needs to be more discussion around the transgender identity and intersectionality.

    • Lia Walsh

      With trans issues getting so much less attention (and with there being so many of them), I wonder if this couldn’t be a whole article in and of itself, to be honest. Trans people face a whole slew of pretty uniquely trans oppressions, and so I’m not sure that lumping them in with cis women would do it justice, but I do agree that more discussion has to happen surrounding trans issues. To specifically link it back to this article, even the title and the introduction does treat the term “women” like “cis women” and so a clarification on that, or a nod to trans issues, would be seriously beneficial, I think. Otherwise, the suggestion almost becomes that trans women are not women, which is really offensive.

      Michael, since you have mentioned that you’re not completely comfortable with all the relevant trans issues just yet, I wonder if we couldn’t find a good resource to link to in the article, simply to give a nod to this? [This one seems reasonably good, for instance, though I’m certainly not an expert on trans issues myself: http://transwhat.org/allyship/

  • Anna

    Amazing list Michael, congrats!

    However, I do fins some of the points a bit mild: “84. Cook with your girlfriend, partner, or spouse.”. What about simply “Cook”?

    • Kate

      Just “cook”, definitely! It’s a radical act to embrace and respect things that have been done down as “women’s skills”, as well as pretty radical to learn to care for yourself without looking to women to do it for you.

      So you could maybe also add/ alter: “Learn ‘women’s skills’: knit, sew, bake, mend.” You’ll find they’re as complex as DIY and coding, and as fulfilling – and you might also learn a new vocabulary for relating to people, particularly older women in your life.

  • http://www.arcticcentre.org/?DeptID=2759 Sébastien Duyck

    Thank you for this great post Urbina.
    Perhaps you could also include a reference to the how guys interacts with children, both boys and girls. I feel that’s a pretty significant way in which one can challenge status quo and prejudices.

    • Kate

      This this this! Tell a little girl she’s smart and troublesome, tell a little boy he’s beautiful. Race them both up a tree, help them both bake a cake.

    • schwarzblond

      Yes, yes, yes!
      All that “unlearning” would not be necessary if we would raise kids equally. As self-confident, respectful human beings!!

  • Curious

    I think this is a very interesting list. I agree with most the it but I do have a few questions about some of the points.

    6. Be conscious of where your eyes wander as a woman walks by. Change that behavior.

    I agree that the glaring eyes of men can probably be uncomfortable for women. I’ve experienced it as a male (being looked at like a piece of meat) by women who I’m not attracted to and it skeeves me out. However, I empathize with them by understanding that we (all of us) like to look at attractive people. We’re programmed to do it.

    I have respect for all women and I think all women are beautiful but as hard as I try I can’t help but “let” my eyes wander when I see one. I think every woman has beautiful features but aren’t men programmed to be attracted to that? Aren’t we programmed to want procreate when we see their soft skin, round hips, and chest? My modern-man mind thinks “I have to respect her” but my paleo-man mind thinks “make babies”.

    I have a tough time understanding this but I’m willing to listen.

    39. Redefine your masculinity in a pro-feminist way.

    I agree with the thought but I don’t understand how to execute it in our society. How does a man redefine his masculinity and still be an appealing option for women and still be accepted by other men? I am willing to acknowledge that my confusion is due to my own experiences which are: women like strong (physical and mental) men and other men are drawn to strong men. I don’t see a lot of social or relationship opportunities (in my world) for a man that strays from that.

    47. Work with your partner or spouse on how to mutually share responsibilities.

    I take issue with this and it’s solely personal. In the past 10 years, every relationship I’ve been in (over 6) I’ve been required to fulfill the “traditional” duties of a man like taking out the trash, changing the car oil, putting gas in the cars, yardwork, construction, etc. and I was also expected to be competent in the “traditional” female duties like sewing, cooking, vacuuming, laundry, ironing (every female in my family knows that I am the ironing master). At the same time, the women I was with were APPALLED if I asked them to do a “man’s” job like take out the trash. Again, I know this is my experience but this is a constant in my life and I can’t help but think I’m the only one.

    63. Defy traditional male stereotypes.

    I’m actually very interested in how to accomplish this. Examples please?


      Men are “programmed” to objectify women. Wow, you must hate yourself, seeing as you don’t think you are capable of controlling your own behavior. How sad.

  • Karen Marie

    Nice work! I love you.. :)

    Karen Marie

    • DukeLax

      White gender-feminists are going to continue to “Empower” themselves by inflaming the public with manufactured statistics, Until the point where hetero-sexual relationships become a legal liability for guys.

  • onamission5

    Crunk Feminist Collective is another awesome site for reading. It is written by feminists of color, for feminists of color. Much recommended.

    • DLZ

      She advocates the rape of men when women are not sexually satisfied. I wouldn’t suggest her.

  • Rumty55

    One of the best things I’ve read in a long time! Thanks for your Light!

  • Kevin Valliere

    I think this is a great list, but I’ve got a quip with #89:

    “Men are never oppressed under patriarchy.”

    That’s just not true. Men are also oppressed by the ideals of hegemonic masculinity as presented in the media. Hegemonic masculinity is what, often times, prevents men from being allies to women. It’s real and it sucks.

    But as someone who comes from virtually every dominant group ever, I also recognize that men who claim at least one oppressed identity can certainly be oppressed as well. Gay men are oppressed by WASPy patriarchy just like black men or trans men or etc etc.

    If we try to sell this fight as something men don’t stand to benefit from, you won’t get men to buy in. It’s that simple.

    • Piper Symington

      I’m not denying that the patriarchy has a negative affect on everyone, I’ll say that from the get-go. I agree completely that it’s pretty bad all around.

      Shouldn’t helping other human beings be benefit enough? White folk didn’t directly benefit from the Civil Rights movement, but it still gathered support.

      I guess I’m just saddened by the idea that the only way to get men to fight for my equality is to show them how it will make their lives better.

      • Kevin Valliere

        I don’t think it’s the only way, I just think that a majority of men are very content where they are and telling them to help women out won’t accomplish much.

        And we have to be real, too: a lot of men will look at the ‘feminist’ label and turn away without a second thought, regardless of how asinine that is. We might have more success talking with men about creating better realized versions of themselves. Getting them to acknowledge the impact of hegemonic masculinity in their own lives, then transferring that knowledge to the plight of women.

      • concernedmother

        The Civil Rights movement didn’t attempt to take or inhibit rights of one group in order to make up for lost privilege in another. It was simply giving everyone equality within society and before the law.

        Most of this list is complete garbage, and I’m tempted to say it was written by an MRA as trollbait, and to strawman future arguments.

    • DukeLax

      So youre saying because a man is hetero-sexual, he’s an oppressor of women??? that is perverse.

    • katibee

      Men are not oppressed under the patriarchy – but they are HARMED by the patriarchy. Oppression is a specific type of harm that requires someone with power enacting it upon you.

  • Jenn

    Support breastfeeding. Help to develop breastfeeding-friendly policies in the workplace, such as a safe space for breastfeeding moms to pump (not the bathroom). Be open to encountering breastfeeding in public.

    • michaelurbina

      I never thought of this! You’re right! Thank you.

    • Theevil Oddone

      Now that is something I can actually agree with the feminists on.

    • Liz

      Ugh. I’m sorry, but I don’t want to see your breasts feeding or not.

    • Lia Walsh

      Yes. I’m so tired of people either sexualizing or being grossed out by something totally natural and practical!

    • debaser71

      And here in NY breastfeeding is already a protected practice. And yeah, I had to defend my wife right to breastfeed a couple of times. Funny though, it was women who were trying to stop her.

      • Lia Walsh

        Sadly, it is also women who uphold crazily sexist ideals. (As another example, it’s not usually men who give me sideways looks for my armpit hair; it’s almost always women who have bought into what they’ve been told about femininity.) It makes me livid, because people start to think that because many of the ones upholding the status quo are women, they can speak for all of us, but a lot of the time they’re actually fighting to defend something that they’ve never really even stopped to think about. When I ask someone why, for instance, they think public breastfeeding is a bad thing, the answer is usually a generic, “It’s indecent!” or something along those lines, which explains nothing at all. If they were at least asking women to cover up because they noticed nearby men sexually objectifying them or something, that might hold some ground, because they’re not just reacting based on their own unquestioned discomfort, but they’re often not even thinking, just reacting. It can be quite dangerous, really. I mean, why on Earth should someone who doesn’t even know how to think rationally and critically about a situation be allowed to shame women out of doing something totally natural that they feel comfortable with? It’s maddening.

    • ldonald

      Hey look! An actual feminist! Talking about actual issues of bona fide femininity!

  • Kimmy Meinecke

    Another great book that was helpful for me: Transforming a Rape Culture, ed. Emilie Buchwald, Pamela Fletcher, and Martha Roth.

    • michaelurbina

      I haven’t read that book, I’ll definitely check it out! :)

  • Luis Gonzalez

    This is good, but I seriously dont think it’s that complicated. Be kind and treat other human beings as human beings, whether man or woman.

    I have a problem with #9, isn’t that being too condescending and patriarchal? Having to move away from women so they aren’t scared, the fragile little things that they are? Nope. Treat a woman with respect, say good evening as you pass her by, be kind. Thats the only way she can feel safe, and understand that not ALL men are vile rapists or whatever.

    Keep it simple, keep the respect. Keep the love.

    • Jane Jones

      No, it’s not being condescending and patriarchal. We don’t feel scared on the street because we are fragile little things, we feel scared on the street because almost all of us have some experience of being harassed, and this possibility is amplified when we are alone and at night. And yes, we understand that not all men are rapists. But we also understand that most rapists are men. And when you walk towards us, or behind us at night, we have no way of knowing whether you are one of them. And hence, if you do care about how we feel, the most decent thing you can do is demonstrate that you are not.

      • Luis Gonzalez

        I understand what you say, I just meant that AVOIDING women you dont know on the street, is maybe not the best way to show them kindness and respect. But I feel where you’re coming from.

        • Lia Walsh

          I just wanted to acknowledge the courage in this answer (i.e. that it’s not easy for us to put aside our views and hear other people out when they disagree with us, but you’ve still done it anyway). Despite the downvotes (WTF, guys?), I really appreciate that your approach is peaceful and rational. Thanks for that.

      • EvilPundit

        Does that also apply to black people? Should blacks cross the street when they see a white person coming, because that person might be afraid of them?

        • Exx

          You’re confusing oppressed and oppressor with that question.

          • EvilPundit

            You’re confusing feminist myth with reality.

          • sm

            my feminist reality is that i have to adhere to “rape schedule”, which means that i have to walk 4 blocks out of my way to get home at night because I live near a highway and that means that if i am attacked no one will be able to hear me scream and that the closest and best lit street is 4 blocks away. I have to walk in the middle of the street because it’s better lit. There have recently been a string of early morning rapes in my neighborhood, which means that I can’t go running until 7am when it’s light out and i have to forfeit lots of workout time per week. If i am in a different neighborhood in brooklyn, i have to spend at least $12 to take a cab to get home because there are no cameras on the train and sometimes you have to wait up to 20 minutes alone on the platform, putting me at risk. $12×2 weekend nights x4 weekends a month means $100 a month and approx $1200 a year to protect myself from getting harassed, attacked or raped. Do you have to spend money to make sure you’re safe?

            #9 is only asking that a male ally consider all the effort i have to put into preventing my own rape and, obviously, not being blamed because i am walking to my own home at the wrong hour. So maybe YOU can consider crossing the street after hearing all the efforts i have to take into consideration. no? you disagree with that?

      • LANE

        Keep in mind that most rapes are committed by people known to the victim. It is important to be aware of your surroundings at night when you are alone, but it is also important to remember that rapists often aren’t the creepy guy in the shadows of a back alley. I do think crossing the street is an over-correction. I would rather shape our society into one where women don’t have to be afraid of a man in the street normally rather than because he ran away and hid. I also sympathize with the fear induced in this situation especially for those who have been attacked or harassed and I understand that “out of sight, out of mind” is helpful for that. But, the bottom line is that we shouldn’t correct an imbalance with another imbalance.

  • Alejandra Diaz Loo

    Don’t consume porn.

  • trillian

    Please consider that ally is really a verb – it’s something you do. If it’s a title, it’s not one anyone can give themself. Whether you “are an ally” to any particular woman depends on whether she feels certain ways about you and your behaviour; whether you “ally” yourself with any particular woman/women depends on your actions and seems to better describe what you do without taking away agency from women to identify their allies.

  • schwarzblond

    Despite #40: You are awesome!

    This should never be a reason for anyone to become a feminist, but it doesn’t hurt to put it out: Feminism makes men sexy.

    • ZimbaZumba

      But you wouldn’t form a long term breeding relationship with such a man. Deep down you are programmed to find self flagellating beta males repulse.

      • ZimbaZumba


    • ZimbaZumba

      But you wouldn’t form a long term breeding relationship with such a man.
      Deep down you are programmed to find self flagellating beta males

      • http://rolltodisbelieve.wordpress.com/ Captain Cassidy

        I don’t know what’s worse, that you refer to a relationship as a “breeding relationship” (WTF is wrong with you?), or that you buy into the MRA bullshit idea that “beta males” are the only feminist men there are. My husband (an ex-MMA tournament fighter and incredibly strong person in every single way, and an ardent feminist) is going to be so sad to discover he’s a “self-flagellating beta male.” You have issues, man. Major issues.

        • ZimbaZumba

          Lol, you know I am right.

          • http://rolltodisbelieve.wordpress.com/ Captain Cassidy

            I do? Huh. Well, that’s total news to me, because I think you’re full of sexist bullshit and that you have no idea how fulfilling and joyous an egalitarian relationship is for both parties. But hey good luck with that sickening worldview. I’m sure you’ll live a long and happy life with a supportive and loving mate in your “breeding relationship.” LOL on my that term is going to stick with me forever. It’s too funny! “Breeding relationship.” You know, some people would just call it marriage or a long-term relationship. But I guess someone who reduces women down to their body parts would see it that way. You shine on, you crazy diamond.

  • Tai Amri

    #?: understand that issues of white women and women of color differ in important ways and make a conscious effort to understand those differences.

  • joe black

    the things on this list should be done to every person you meet why make it just about women ? why not make a point just to be good to all people in this all your doing is appling one set of rules and changing every thing about your self just to fit an idelic idea of womens need not all women would agree and not all are the same just like no two people of any gender or race are really the same this makes a big song and dance about the diffrences we have and in my mind widens the gap it should have only on point on this list and that point is try not to be a dick to any one ! this article is pesudo hippie crap

    • trillian

      and this is what the voice of male privilege sounds like, in case anyone was wondering!

      • Makaeyla Cmerkovsky

        I do see his point, though. Most of the things on this list come down to treating people regardless of gender with respect and dignity. I think calling it pseudo hippie crap because this article focuses on how men should treat women in particular is taking it way too far, but his basic point is still a sound one.

      • EvilPundit

        So it sounds like treating everyone equally? It must be a good thing then.

  • Anki King

    Thank you!
    A couple of things that might be added:
    How to talk to little girls: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-bloom/how-to-talk-to-little-gir_b_882510.html
    and for #49. Don’t judge anyone on their looks period: Note from Dustin Hoffman:

  • Purpleandsilver

    AMAZING. Now, how do I get my MRA advocate brother to not hate feminism so much??!

    • EvilPundit

      First you need to get feminism to stop hating men.

      • DukeLax

        first, the manufactured statistics Alliances between American law enforcement and gender-feminist empowerment groups that are manufacturing the statistics that gender-feminists are Inflaming the public with…need to be dismantled because they are not only perverse, they are unconstitutional.

      • David Brooks

        Well that’s easy. Feminism doesn’t hate men.

        • EvilPundit

          Yes it does. Feminism is based on the false idea that men are the enemies and oppressors of women – and its actions reflect this.

        • DukeLax

          Todays American gender-feminism does not hate all men, just hetero ones

  • Sammy Allouba

    I found this entire post amusing. Heck, even the title was ridiculous.

    “101 Everyday Ways for Men to Be Allies to Women”

    Really? I wasn’t aware there was a war being fought in the first place.

    • trillian

      That’s called male privilege. Few women are unaware of this war; it’s the number one reason we die.

      • EvilPundit

        Not true at all. The top two reasons women die is congestive heart failure or cancer.

        In fact, women live seven years longer than men on average.

        “Male privilege” is a feminist myth.

        • trillian

          Oh ffs, I obviously meant outside of “natural causes,” but hey, that’s harder to troll, now isn’t it? More women die because of male violence than men die because of war, even. Know what’s oppressing you? What’s causing all of the things that you claim are caused by feminism? Patriarchy. If you actually gave a shit about improving anyone’s life, we’d be on the same team. Alas, you MRA types are more concerned that no one challenge your sense of entitlement, such that alleged concerns about social justice are window dressing at best. But by all means, troll on, little man, troll on.

          • EvilPundit

            You said what you said, and I called you out on it.

            What you said was a lie, just like everything else you’ve said here.

          • Torkis

            Are you bloody nuts?

      • Sammy Allouba

        The reason you die is due to male privilege? Really?

        The same male privilege in a society where women are free to do whatever they heck they want in terms of getting a career, education, have access to health care…basically, enjoy all the rights that Western democracies grant? Or the rape culture that allows a woman to falsely accuse a man of rape and get away with it?

        It’s funny how no one wants to talk about the men who die in society. Oh wait, that’s right, I forgot…men are disposable. It’s all about the poor, helpless woman. Pfft.

  • MaxVonRyRow

    Whats wrong with posters of girls? Its not like a wouldn’t want to have a conversation with them. But who DOESN’T think girls are beautiful? Even girls have posters of girls!

    • karen straughan

      I find this especially weird considering the two pictures of Ryan Gosling, who has women generally drooling over him. Thing is, female sexual response is less visually oriented than men’s, and more behaviorally oriented. Men respond to skin, youth, curves (primarily, though not entirely). Women respond to status, wealth, strength, etc (also primarily, not entirely). Brad Pitt in a Hugo Boss suit is JUST as much a sex object to women as a scantily-clad, unnamed bikini model is to men.

      So what he’s saying is, “Men, don’t sexualize women in the way your brains are wired to sexualize them,” while posting pictures of a man who is sexualized by women in the way women are wired to sexualize men.

    • trillian

      Treating girls like beautiful objects of art takes away their humanity – they have become a thing. That mentality is why we still live in a rape culture.

      • EvilPundit

        “Rape culture” is a feminist myth.

        If it existed, rape would be legal.

        • trillian

          Given the tiny fraction of rapists who are convicted, it pretty much is legal. It’s why rape apologists like you can still get away with sucking air in polite company.

          • DukeLax

            American law enforcement now use protocol perversions and semantics games to manufacture the untruth that only 2% of rape accusations are false. This manufactured statistic is how American gender-feminists Inflame the public with rape hysteria in order to Empower themselves. These law enforcement manufactured statistics may be unconstitutional.

      • MaxVonRyRow

        I dont believe that a picture of a beautiful woman is neccessarily objectification, otherwise what you would be implying is that the natural beauty of a woman, and what it means to be a woman is somehow immoral, when you can respect a woman for who she is while still appreciating her beauty. I would say that the rape culture is more a outward disrespect, a disrespect towards women,and towards a womans freedom and towards a womans choice and all of the beautiful thoughts inside her head. It is less about objectification and more about possession. And in that sense you could look at consumer culture and the instant gratification culture and point to that as an equal contributor to rape culture. But at the same time women enjoy the beauty of a woman. And I can enjoy the look in a womans eyes and still enjoy the thoughts in her head. I can still enjoy women’s literature. How about movies in which almost all portrayals of women are as subservient cinderella stories or damsels in distress who need in turn be saved by a man? Is that not just as equal in its contributions to such a mentality? Why should women not be considered “art”? I think women are the most beautiful, exquisite, vibrant creatures I have ever seen. It is a disrespect towards THAT, all of the beauty that is a woman, that is her thoughts, her dreams, her loves her memories her experience her choices her inner most secrets that leads to rape culture. Blaming art is always the easy way out. But appreciating art in its many forms, and really respecting it would do the world a favor. It is the male dominated society that contributes to rape culture. It is the thought that a man can cast a law that should dictate what a woman can or cannot do for her body that contributes to rape culture. But to deny women their beauty is exactly where that same male dominated society starts insisting that women wear cloth bags over their entire bodies so that they cannot be viewed as objects of beauty. To treat someone as less than human takes away from their freedom to their own humanity. But to treat someone as anything less than beautiful will only create less beauty in the world. You, sir or madame, are arguing a point that you may not fully comprehend yet.

  • Holobalo Balo

    I disagree with what you are doing. Please find a way to combat sexism against women without spreading lies that promote sexism against men. Your so-called ‘stereotypical man’ is not real, you need to realize that. You should also know that men should not need to switch sides of the road just because a woman might be irrationally paranoid of them; this is just one example of the things you said that, I believe, were way overboard.

    I admire your cause, but I think you should reconsider how you’re going about it.

    • StarsUponThars

      he is not saying that all dudes need to switch sides of the road, or else they’re bad people.

      he is saying that his specific experience, as a feminist latino man has made him want to elect to switch sides of the road because in his view it will make women walking alone at night more comfortable.

      it was an example. not a blanket prescriptive.

      • Holobalo Balo

        I could dissect each and every argument I have a quarrel with if you
        like, but it would take me a while so I figured I’d keep it clean and
        classy with a simple example. To be completely honest I feel like the
        vast majority of this article is bordering on psychotic. I’ll give one
        more example of something I believe is incorrect…

        As an ‘ally
        of women’, the author should realize that these women are being paid
        (quite possibly more than most men) to willingly take these ‘semi-nude’
        photographs. By condemning the act of looking at them he condemns the
        women in them. Hardly something a proper ‘ally’ would do. Example of
        hypocrisy, in my opinion.

        Just one example. Read through the article again to find the rest, if you feel like it. Or don’t; the fact that any kind of comment on this article in support of men in any way has received only dislikes, and that simple comments such as ‘Amazing, you’re so great and right in every way!’ are liked through the roof, leads me to believe that I’m trying to contend with a mindless, passionate herd mentality… the true sexism problem. Common sense can never win this battle.

  • StarsUponThars

    first time on this blog, got here from a facebook link via guerrilla feminism. really great post!

    #55: pandagon and shakesville are my go-to feminist sites for good reading/news coverage. along with the already included jezebel for a bit of fluff combined with your feminism (nothing wrong with that!).

    #4: i appreciate what you’re saying here, and it may very well be great advice for (especially cis, hetero) men… so, i’m not saying it’s wrong at all. but, and this is a line i’m still working with, there is a difference from appreciating someone for being or acting sexy/attractive whatever, and objectification. i mean, i think the difference is in appreciating when someone is making themselves sexy for your/others/their own enjoyment, vs. a total disregard of the sexy person (i’m keeping it gender neutral here) as a living, acting, human being.

    here’s the piece i read most recently that got me thinking about this: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/07/24/why-the-mod-carousel-parody-of-blurred-lines-works-so-well/

    the piece isn’t about that line completely, but it definitely deals with it. especially if you take the internal link to the author’s previous post on beyonce’s superbowl performance.

    for the record, i’m a hetero-partnered chick, who enjoys burlesque, and classic/modern pinups, and has a betty page shower curtain, so that’s where i’m coming from (i.e. my standpoint on this issue).

    • Makaeyla Cmerkovsky

      I always look at burlesque or artistic shots that involve little to no clothing (obviously excluding those photographs implicitly made to sexualize an individual of any gender) the same way I look at art like The Birth of Venus, or the David, The Creation of Man, or The Descent to Hell. Nudity or partial nudity is not inherently sexual, nor is it inherently objectifying. Rather, I tend to look at most things in this category as celebrating the beauty of the human form in its better states, or even just as the artist’s preferred style for an image.

      That being said, there are sorts of imagery which are very obviously sexual in nature and objectify people across the board. But, that being said, I don’t think the bad eggs should put a halt on any art that features a partially nude man or woman, especially when celebrating the beauty of the human.

      • karen straughan

        Actually, nudity is inherently objectifying in the gaze of the person observing. However, objectification (as a function of agent/object or subject/object dichotomies) is not entirely negative. A recent study (I’ll try to find it) determined that both men and women are more prone to seeing men and women as agents when clothed and objects when nude. Women were more apt to be seen as objects, no matter their level of dress.

        However, one aspect of “objectification” was that observers were more concerned with the experiences of those objectified, and felt them to be more capable of an inner emotional life. People deemed to be agents were judged by their actions, not their emotions or internal worlds.

        This entire article seems to feed into the woman as object/man as agent dichotomy, in that it advises men to deprioritize their inner emotional lives in favor of women’s (in that women are seen more as objects, therefore more in terms of their emotional landscape, while men are seen more as agents, and therefore to be judged by their actions).

        You can see this in the item that says:

        “Don’t be selfish. Make her the priority. Communicate with her and I’m sure you’ll have a better sex life.”

        This clearly states that in order to not be selfish, a man has to prioritize the woman’s *experience* over his own. Considering his own needs first is “selfish”, because he is an agent–he exists through acting, not experiencing an inner emotional life. Even considering his own needs to be *equal* to hers is “selfish”, otherwise he would not have to prioritize her feelings over his own in order to not be selfish.

        And it suggests an action on the part of men that can fulfill women’s more widely acknowledged and acceptable inner emotional life. It is his job, as the agent in the relationship, to prioritize her (the object’s) ability to experience emotion, and to do otherwise is “selfish”.

        Again, he is agent, she is object. He acts, she experiences. Because he is agent, it his his “job” to act. Because she is object, it is her place to experience his actions as good, bad, meh. Her experience (good, bad or meh) is not her responsibility, because acting is not her job. The experience of both parties is his responsibility, as the agent.

        Another aspect of the agent/object dichotomy is that the suffering of those perceived as objects is felt more deeply by observers than that of agents. In fact, when a person is perceived fully as an agent, they are seen as incapable of suffering (or any other deep, negative emotional experience).

  • DLZ

    I’ll support feminism when women support Men’s Human Rights.

    • trillian

      So you mean since the inception of feminism? #mratroll

      • DLZ

        Tell me, what do you think of Mary Koss, feminist backed by NOW and former expert panelest for sexual violence at the CDC, who decided that a woman forcing a man to engage in sexual intercourse against his will is not rape?

      • Doc108

        What have women ever done to eliminate the problems males face in society?

    • Lexx

      Take the men out of it and say human rights, men are not above or below.

  • Veronica

    As a woman who uses public transportation in Los Angeles every day and night (even though I try not to do it at night for obvious reasons), I really appreciate the intention on #9. But I don’t agree that “men of color are more likely to be profiled as dangerous than white men.” To tell you the truth, I feel uncomfortable when ANY man passes by me on the street. Through the years, I’ve been harassed by men of every shape, age and color.

  • ZimbaZumba

    Might I add to your list:-

    (1) Sitting at the back of the bus.

    (2) Using a male only water fountains.

    (3) Having female only restaurants and bars. (we have gyms all ready).

    (4) Single men should strive to live in only in certain regions of the city, or side of the tracks.

    (5) Men alone should be forced to fights in wars if needed, (or do we have already?).

    You get my drift?

  • Stephanie Daussin

    Natalie, there is no such thing as consensual porn. Its all just legalized rape, they get PAID to have sex. no one, men or women should EVER look at it

    • Augustus Kwimbe

      Oh no, they get paid to have sex?… obviously, there is NO ability to refuse, and obviously the autonomous creature that is the porn star does not possess the independence, being an independent human being, to choose not to. Your ignorance is a huge insult to real rape victims, idiot.

    • Civilex

      And there’s no such thing consensual work. It’s all just legalized slavery. They get PAID to swab the floors, make the food, carry out construction work. No one, men or women, should eat a restaurant, live in a house that someone else built etc. See how that works out?

  • Randomwoman

    Do you think all woman are little snow flakes that need to be protected? I find this list very offensive. I am a grown woman and I don´t need man allies to manage my life. Sorry

    • MaxVonRyRow

      You are an awesome woman.

    • Lia Walsh

      I don’t know how you got that message out of this post (this is targeting men who already want to be allies and not make life more complicated for women).

      Nevertheless, I have a request: please never, ever speak on my behalf. This is not about women being helpless and needing protection; it’s about showing us basic respect, so that we’re not constantly dealing with bullshit just because we’re women. And if you never experience it, good for you. You’d be the first woman I’ve ever spoken to that lives a perfect existence of never feeling like her boundaries have been crossed by some creepy dude, at least once, and would really like for that to stop happening. For the rest of us, it’d be nice if men were at least aware of this stuff, so that they could stop creeping us out, whether they mean to be creepy or not.

      • Randomwoman

        When did I speak on your behalf? Lia, you think that woman are just as good and strong as men right? And that they are capable of doing the same things as men? Why is it then that you support this list which says that women are little things that need to be protected at all times? Just to give an example: Why do man have to ask for consent before having sex but woman dont? Doesnt that give woman superior rights and makes men second class citizens? Why do men have to consider their privileges but women do not have to do the same? As you will know there are a lof privileges that women have. Why do men need to change the side of the road when coming across a woman but women dont? All of these thing are anti-feminist as they basically say that women are so inferior that men need to threat them like they are big babies. You can´t demand equal rights and then demand special rights for you at the same time. It´s not possible. So either you accept that men and women are different and have different privileges because of it or you are going to have a terrible, unhappy life. Here is an idea. As it´s much easier for a woman to find a man, a number of woman should be forced to date them. Be aware of your privileges and offer that 25 years old nerdy virgin some time with you to combat this terrible situation of man having to approach women and often being rejected because they are, as you would put it “a creep”. By the way do you think it´s ok to call women bitches? No? So why do you call men creeps just like that?

        • Jane Jones

          Your rhetoric is identical to an MRA. Why might that be, oh, just a random woman?

          • Randomwoman

            So an man can be a feminist but a woman can not be an MRA now????

          • Lia Walsh

            I didn’t want to say it, but am I ever glad you did.

          • Chief

            Just saying, it’s not very good rhetoric to blindly attack someone’s personal life just because they have a dissenting opinion. Probably even worse rhetoric to suggest that because someone doesn’t agree with you they must be a fictional person, created through some wild internet conspiracy. This is one step removed from “the government is run by lizard people”.

          • ana manea

            Really, you think fictional commenters are as little likely as ‘the government being run by lizards’? A simple google search will show you that there are companies whose activity is making comments their client wishes under articles talking about a subject of interest to them. Mostly clients buying false commenters to pretend they’re satisfied with products those clients sell, but people who have an interest in some social issues also use those companies.

          • Lorena Fuller

            ‘Zactly my thought. The strawman argument was a big “tell.” This commenter is a male, and the misrepresentation of the author’s clear intent is obvious.
            This is someone who is not capable of getting it (in more ways than one, I betcha), and is so hostile and threatened by feminism and female autonomy that he goes to these cowardly lengths to pick fights with feminists.
            You’ve been outed, dude.

          • Pitchguest

            So the rhetoric of an MRA is to treat women like they’re adults and not children?

            And to repeat the argument of another, why should it matter if she’s a man or a woman? If you consider her words, which is basically saying that it’s wrong to treat women as if they are children or unable to fend for themselves, then what’s in a gender to carry them? Would they carry more weight if she’s a woman, or less if she’s a man? Does the latter imply a “privilege” that the other does not? Or to consider the third option, maybe she’s trans? In which case, it would perhaps imply a personal knowledge and wouldn’t that be something to consider, too?

            Or are you just here to make condescending remarks?

        • km8561a

          Let’s address this rationally, because the following posts whether true or not we can make several points to counter your argument:

          1: Women should ask consent! Consent is a conversation an ongoing sexy flirtation where two people hopefully enthusiastically agree to have sex. Because we should all enjoy it. When one person is too drunk or asleep or otherwise unable to consent, then it’s NOT sex it’s assault. Men CAN be assaulted to, and it does happen although in lower numbers than women. Asking before you do someone is common manners and not privilege. Privilege is not EVER having to worry about being raped because you drank a little too much at a party.

          2. Women should consider their privileges. But as a woman, ask yourself how many more privileges do I have over the man I live with, work with etc. How do my rights over my body, my health, my employment and my safety do I have in comparison? Women do have some legal privileges in some areas like child custody but those come at the cost of often never receiving a child support payment.
          3. I don’t agree that men should cross to the opposite side of the street late at night to make me feel safe. How about just not attack me? Seems simple enough. But I can see how if you have been attacked before at night – and I’ve had some pretty scary experiences being stalked and dragged places (and women who have been attacked, don’t wear big signs saying please don’t come near me) might be afraid of someone coming up on them in the night on a deserted road. I was attacked like that once, luckily I could personally appeal to other bystanders (who happened to be male) to help me get away.
          Feminists don’t think all men are bad human beings – there are some awesome dudes out there!
          4. The last few arguments I’m not following. It seems like you’re claiming that men are entitled to sex (?!), and that calling creepy people creepy is like calling women bitches. Creepy people – like the dude who tried to drag me home with him, like the dude who raped me when I was in college, like the dude I dated briefly who didn’t respect my “no”, are creepy and it’s not cool. Just in the same way there are definitely some creepy women out there who make me uncomfortable.
          The author’s general message could’ve been applied in this way briefly “women are human beings who are equally as worthy to be listened to, treated with respect and given every opportunity a man would have to live well and safely. If you’re a super cool dude you should support their rights and efforts through your deeds and words” so march on men and be good allies!

      • Madfoot713

        Number (4) says men aren’t allowed to have sexy posters or wallpapers on their computers. How is that in any way protecting women?

        • kj

          it doesn’t say they “aren’t allowed” – everything on here is a suggestion, since we are not in grade school right?

        • Bertha

          Because by having those kinds of images in/on your computer, wall etc.. it perpetuates and continues the paradigm of objectification which demeans people, namely women. I.e. turning people into objects of entertainment and sexualization rather than as whole multi-faceted people. This doesn’t help women in the overall struggle for equality and liberation, because being sex objects has been one of the main forms of subjugation throughout history.
          So by NOT having them, you are deciding to NOT to participate in that kind of degradation of women or anyone for that matter and thereby see them as people, not forms of porn etc. Hope that helps :)

          Kj…next time just answer someone when they ask a question rather than be snarky. It doesn’t help anyone. :)

      • Ama Rama

        i like my life complicated. I like it challenging. I like to earn everything I get and not just have everything handed to me because I have a vagina.


          Begone, MRA troll. You’re boring.

      • Jason

        Can you refrain from using the word creepy? It is an offensive word which isolates men. To be labelled a creep and gossiped about as such, from a males point of view, gives a man the perception that he has zero value to the opposite sex and only furthers the divide between ‘allies.’


          POOR YOU. Women are called WAY worse things than “creepy” every single day. Not to mention the rape threats and abuse directed at us by men. So, save your male tears and stop trying to make this about you. Typical male Narcissism. Your precious feelings are more important than women’s humanity.

      • Benjamin Kiryama David

        oh thats just so sad, there are women in the congo getting their clitoris chopped off after they’ve been brutally gang raped and have had their babies bashed to death and you’re worried about getting creeped out. I award you the golden fedora of bravery

        • Travis den Breeijen

          If an extreme example in one part of the world is an excuse to blind ourselves to anything less extreme elsewhere, then we should just make rape and murder illegal and let everything else be free reign. Just because other people are doing really really really fucked up things, doesn’t mean that other things aren’t really really fucked up, too.

    • meanymouse

      I agree with you to a certain extent. However, the irony of it all is that we as feminists need men as our allies. Our culture generally views women who speak up as crazy, illogical, bitches, etc. etc. the list goes on, and I personally have been called all of them when I bring up issues about feminism and/or sexism. I’ve noticed, however, that when a guy brings it up people (again, generally) listen more, and are more open to his message. Yes, women are strong and can do anything a guy can do, and more! But this post resonates with me because I personally have lost my voice as of late. I feel much more timid to speak up because I’ve been repramanded far too often by many people, some of which I consider very close friends and even family members. It wasn’t until I found a guy in my life who, ironically, helped me get my voice back again. We as women NEED male allies, simply because our culture values men’s opinions more.

    • Days of Broken Arrows

      The list is almost identical to what we used to hear in Catholic school: that men are sex-crazed ogres and women are the Virgin Mary incarnate and need to be pedastalized as such. When the influence of the Catholic Church waned, feminists took over and started pushing a lot of its Junior Anti-Sex League ideas with new names. Several of these ideas sound straight from the nunnery, but the idea of turning magazine cover backwards because they sexualize women was, in fact, once told to us by a nun regarding Playboy.

  • Augustus Kwimbe

    I’m creating a list for my fellow black people, number 1 is make sure you cross the street at night if you see a white person walking your way, you know just inc ase they feel threatened, also we must make sure our hands are visible, in case they feel we might stab them.

  • Augustus Kwimbe

    Don’t bother flattering yourself by crossing the street anymore Michael, Looking at your photo I’m sure most women could take you any day.

  • Randomwoman

    And I also think you have totally misunderstood what feminism is…It´s about giving equal rights to men and women. NOT giving women all kinds of privileges just because they are female.

    • Samuel Noa Greén

      I think you missunderstand what feminism is. Since us men have so many more priviliges we really do need to give women back priviliges. I dont know where you are from but where I live (Sweden) feminism really is a necisity.

      So mister (because you obivously is an anonymous male), please stop spreading bullshit.

    • Alec Leamas

      Um, no – feminism is the appropriation of the Marxist master/servant dialectic re-imagined as one divided into male/female, development of which was actively funded by the Soviets via think tanks and the academy during the Cold War.

  • Randomwoman

    Reading this list is really making me feel ashamed of being a woman… What must men think about this kind of stuff? It disregards everything feminism is about

    • Lia Walsh

      I question whether you understand what feminism is.

      • Leno Peerez

        I question your feminism for disregarding Random Women’s feminism and female image.

    • Lorena Fuller

      As a woman, this list is painfully earnest, considerably respectful, and warms my heart. I really think that only an obvious male troll like yourself would be trying to verbally bomb this piece — poorly, I might add. Mr. Urbina’s site must be doing something right to attract so much rage from the reactionary “men are oppressed” hall monitors.

  • Stephanie Daussin

    disqus- HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!!!!!!??? I AM A REAL RAPE VICTIM AND A FORMER SEX WORKER!!!! YOU MADE THAT COMMENT TO THE WRONG WOMAN. If ANYONE has the right to say what I said its me. the pressure that women face in the porn industry is amazing. If you are told shove his pineapple up your ass or you will lose your job that is. i just cant with you people.

  • Roberto Matus

    Stopped reading at “check your priviliege”.

    If you mean the privilege of being discriminated against in entry level jobs (90% of entry level jobs at walmart are held by women), or receiving less tips than a woman waiter…

    I just think you need to do more serious research.

    • Jane Jones

      “90% of entry level jobs at walmart are held by women.” Patriarchy is dead! Hahahaha.

      • DukeLax

        because 90% of homeless are males.

    • David Brooks

      ha ha yes maybe you should start a campaign for men to have an equal right to crap jobs. Let me know how you get on …

      • EvilPundit

        Men already have the crap jobs.

        Over 90% of people who are killed at work are male.

      • Ramón Goldaraberg

        Most truckers,fishermen, loggers, miners, military, heavy machinery operators, garbage collectors, scrapyard workers etc. are male.

        No idea on what are you on about. It’s actually feminists that complain of not having enough women as CEOs but are completely fine with those trades to be almost exclusively male (and males dying almost exclusively due to their jobs).

    • David Jackson

      It’s my “privilege” to be drafted to fight in wars. I could provide other examples, but that is the one that stands out.

  • OhWow

    Lmao…is this a joke? I truly hope this list is sarcastic in nature or satirical. So let me get this straight, we as men are supposed to essentially serve women as if we are slaves? We are men…our nature is to take charge, dominate, be aggressive, and reproduce. Get used to it, because you can’t change nature. Feminists say they want to be just like men with total equality, then they say they want to be treated like royalty above men. Which is it? You can’t have chivalry if you are a feminist. The very point of chivalry is to be the white knight for a weaker and less-powerful gender. If you say you are our equal, then chivalry is nonsense. Chivalry by its nature means treating women better. It never includes women treating men better. It’s just so one-sided it’s hysterical how brainwashed some of you boy-looking girls (and yes I said girls not women) get by feminism.

    Feminism has killed chivalry, it has killed traditional dating culture, it has killed marriage, it has raised boys in single mother households which is a MAJOR predictor of criminality, it has sent divorce rates through the roof, it has emasculated men, and it has both genders confused. Girls today are trash…they spread their legs for anyone…you don’t even have to know their name. Then they wonder why guys won’t treat them like princesses from 1945. You aren’t ladies anymore, you are just immature, selfish, egotistical c*nts.

    • http://rolltodisbelieve.wordpress.com/ Captain Cassidy

      Wow, you need a tag here, and here it is: (citation needed).

      How sad that we aren’t under your big strong manly hand anymore. Poor widdle us, all meaniepies and all to you poor widdle menfolks who just wanna be our white knights and save us from the big bad world. Sniff sniff. Feminism is the thing that’s to blame for every ill in society. It can’t possibly be patriarchal people reaching out to try to clamp down on women’s rights. It can’t possibly be that men are having a little trouble adjusting to a world where women are not their sex objects and possessions. It can’t possibly be because the dominant religion in our culture is fighting hard to remove every bit of advancement women have gained. Nope, can’t be those. It has to be those evil wimmenz fighting for equality. Equality is the problem. Rights are the problem. Gotta fix that.

      Thanks for proving the writer correct in every single way. Oh, and by the way, yes, feminism is actually about ALL PEOPLE being treated with fairness, dignity, honesty, and justice. Way to strawman.

      • OhWow

        Women WERE always sex objects and women will ALWAYS be sex objects. Women have always been revered for their beauty and the sex drive in men is much more intense with the heightened testosterone levels. We are much more aggressive. That’s why it’s always going to be guys chasing girls. If feminism is actually about all people as you say, why is this list exclusively “men do this” or “men do that”? We don’t take orders from you stupid c*nts. We are men. We built the world, we ran and still do run the world, we fix everything, we invent everything, we protect our country, etc. Without men, the world would be one large pool of PMS and gossip. Go take your little “we are girls hear us roar” BS somewhere else because it’s certainly not reality. Men and women are not the same, we are built to compliment, not replace each other.

        • http://rolltodisbelieve.wordpress.com/ Captain Cassidy

          Wow. Sexist slurs, a rant about how women are chained to their biology and will always be victims of men, and a dismissive demand that I shut up, that’s why. Are you for real? Do you have a blog? Please have a blog. Please.

          • OhWow

            Women are “chained” to their biology in the same way a small ant is “chained” to want sugar. It’s not “chained”, it’s called f*cking nature.

        • AC

          Wow mate. You’ve really got some chip on your shoulder

          • Lorena Fuller

            Perhaps a bit of psychosis to boot. Oi.

        • kj


      • Doc108

        Are you morons still going on about patriarchy. What the fuck is patriarchy anymore but a means for feminazis to push themselves above everyone else. There is no patriarchy. Look around you. Wake the fuck up. Men pay child support when its provdn they aren’t the father. Men have absolutely no reproductive rights. Men are constantly told they have to take steps to make sure they don’t become the rapist that they all inherently are. Thanks to feminism at one word from a woman and they can be thrown in jail for defending themselves against an abusive woman. Women who falsely accuse men of rape get no to very little punishment even when it is proven they flat out lied. Men can be thrown in jail for having consensual sex with a drunk woman. (by drunk I don’t mean falling over unable to walk alone drunk. I mean they have full control over themselves and their decisions just drank a little too much) Women can rape a 15 year old be convicted and then never serve jail time, get custody of the child, then get child support. Still seeing a patriarchy? I would hope not.


          I stopped reading at “feminazi”. Pathetic little MRA… lol

      • 1981Mog .

        If feminism is actually about ALL PEOPLE being treated with fairness, then what is egalitarianism? Why not just use that phrase, rather than the one with ‘feminine’ in it (if you can’t see why this might imply a bias let me know, and I’ll explain with big writing and colourful pictures). Words matter.
        The fact is MRAs and feminists movements alike are saturated with demagogues looking to carve out a career by doing not much of anything beyond identifying people’s biases and whipping them up into a frenzy – the fact that so many feminists and MRAs are incapable of acknowledging the other side even has even a single valid point proves this (whatever the issue, you know you’re dealing with morons when this occurs). They are worthless and should be abandoned in favour of reason, objectivity, and egalitarianism.

        • rikkimuffin

          If you were to change form “Feminism” to “Egalitarian”/”Humanist”/”Equalist” or anything similar, you ignore the realities of the people being actively oppressed. Feminism seeks to challenge the patriarchal (male-dominated society)’s notion that to be female is to be inferior and deserving of objectification and violence, and to be male is to be aggressive and dominant. By challenging this perception, males are able to define their own masculinity beyond the set parameters, which may include showing strong emotions, or participating in activities that have been deemed exclusively for women. Sexism exists, and by simply looking at the issue from a “just treat everyone equally” perspective, you ignore the lives and experiences of people who are subject to these inequalities on a daily basis. If one force outweighs another, it must be met with the opposite force to create balance. I.e. If men’s rights is on one side of the teeter-totter and women’s rights is on the other, then the women’s side must be brought up to the same level as men’s so they may be equal. You could argue why not just bring the men’s side down, but why would we want to bring anyone down, instead of provide equal opportunity for everyone to be the best they can be?

  • http://rolltodisbelieve.wordpress.com/ Captain Cassidy

    How have I never heard of you before? This was amazing! Thank you for writing it.

  • OhWow

    Feminists are probably my favorite material for comedy. You guys just give normal people endless material! Easily the biggest hypocrites on the face of the earth saying you want equality then demanding to be treated like royalty. Pick one boys, oops I mean girls (sorry, I was fooled by your short boyish hair). You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Here’s a word of advice, stop being man-hating, promiscuous, trashy c*nts and maybe a guy will treat you nicely.

    • Lia Walsh

      A guy writes an article basically saying, “To those of you who want to show compassion to women and aren’t sure how, here are some tips…” He comes up with an article full of things that, for the most part, aren’t all that revolutionary for most men, assuming they don’t inherently hate women.

      You respond by saying something blatantly oppressive against people who aren’t hetero-normative (“sorry, I was fooled by your short boyish hair” and intentionally switching pronouns) and call us “[ab]normal”, “hypocrites”, “promiscuous”, “trashy”, and “c*nts”. This illustrates that we’re “man-hating” (while you, of course, are not hateful at all).

      If it wasn’t so horribly sad, the irony in this would be hilarious.


        Men are shit. These comments prove it for the billionth time. No wonder women are abandoning men. They are finally waking up to the fact that men hate them. Stop being friends with men, stop dating men, stop having sex with men. They do not respect you, and they cannot be trusted.

        • rikkimuffin

          I feel this is taking feminism to an extreme and countering everything the author is attempting to do in this article. Not all men are women-hating rapists that treat women as objects for their own satisfaction and putting a blanket generalization on an entire population of people is actually counter-feminist. Both men and women are capable of great and horrible things, but it is the system that provides one group of people with more advantage and THAT is what must be fought. I’m sorry you have this opinion of all men, but I assure that there are gems out there that can be polished into having more respect for their female counterparts.

    • Lexx

      I have long hair, dress conservatively and volunteer for people with I.D.’s, my 3 best friends are heterosexual men and I have been in a stable relationship for 5 years. That makes the entire last sentence of your comment look quite stupid. You. Are. An. Idiot. Equal rights for everyone, if you want that you a feminist, and yes douche blarg, men can be feminists too.

  • Cooper Thompson

    You suggest that we turn around magazines with unhealthy body images, costing newsstands and grocery stores money, and in turn raising our own food prices. Meanwhile, the picture you posted has unhealthy body images… Three of those four women are runway skinny. Oh, and your man Ryan Gosling has dated five women in the past ten years that promote that same skinny image.

    It’s nice to see people getting into the idea of equality… but thinking that you can make a list of 101 ways to be an ally is pretty absurd. Everything changes based on the people, the circumstance, and the environment of an event. There are very few rules that apply to all situations and all women or all men. You said many things, some of them were basic and easily agreed upon by most. However, lists like this still come off as you attempting to force your opinions on others and lead a conversation in feminism… which I think you warned against. It also comes off as you looking for recognition, which again you warned against… so either neither of those things is always bad, or your did two very bad things… I’m guessing it is the first.

    You contradict yourself many times in this piece, many. And, while you encourage acceptance of the LGBT lifestyle, you write this piece as if all the men reading it are straight. You also say to cross the street at night, but you want me to step in and defend women who are being harassed or bothered (which I will gladly do). Now for me, here in Chicago with busy two lane streets, it has always been easier to defend someone who is one the same side of the street as you… So what good did it do for me to cross?

    The list goes on. It was a nice attempt but it needs some work. As of now they are not everyday ways to be allies, they are simply ways that might work at times.

    Good Luck,


    • AC

      I was curious about the LGBT and pro-choice comments too. Though I would be pro-choice and supporting of LGBT movements I don’t see how women’s rights, LGBT movements and abortion are mutually dependent on each other. They are in the sense that they are a set of beliefs normally ascribed to a liberal leaning person but I don’t see any logical inconsistency in supporting say gay-marriage and opposing abortion.

      • Cooper Thompson

        Yep, fully agree there. I also support most LGBT movements and I’m pro-choice, don’t see them as being dependent on each other.

      • LANE

        I would say that the overlap comes from the fact that feminists, LGBT rights activists, and pro-choicers are all fighting to dismantle traditional relationship models that are entrenched in gender roles. Each group has it’s own battles, but they do share the request for choice. I would say they are allies not duplicates. And I do find it logically inconsistent to demand choice and equality for one group and not the other.

  • EvilPundit

    RE #9: Statistically, black-on-white crime is more prevalent than white-on-black crime. Should blacks cross the street when they see a white person coming, because that person might be afraid of them?

    • Cooper Thompson

      I agree, this was one of the worst examples he gives…

    • Avon Lady Barksdale

      RE #9 part 2: Also no woman would ever be afraid of you because you look like a fucking androgynous Frankie Muniz.

  • AC

    I do take issue with thrust of the argument and here’s why (Full disclosure I’m a straight white male, thought not American). Deep breath…

    1. Privilege… This word implies men have something that is not a right to have. It is something extra. A rich person is privileged because they have something (that is not a basic right) which others do not and not everyone necessarily should have. Things like not having my gender considered for a job or not having sexual comments thrown at me are not “privileged”. They are the standard. If women don’t have this it is a problem and should be addressed, but asking men to be aware of and try to change their “privilege” belies the nature of those attributes of life as a male.

    3. This is universal. Women may be blinded to how men would need to deal with a situation. If I approach a bouncer at a nightclub I will need to not seem threatening and be careful not to annoy him (most likely him) and could actually end up with a black eye from being too drunk, while a woman will have to be cognisant of potential inappropriate behaviour by him. Everyone encounters problems based on their biological differences and requiring one gender to be aware of them is a problem.

    5. Awful. People should stop catcalling. Full agreement.

    7. I don’t, but then again if she smiles at me it’s more likely a sign she likes me than if she doesn’t. Exploring the possibility someone likes you is not a bad thing.

    9. Dangerous comment really. Replace “Black” with man and “white” with women and see how that sounds. You should try not to be threatening to everyone, but I’m not going to spend my life thinking about how scary I look (I’m 5’4”!).

    15. Bastard, prick, etc. It’s a two way street. Also, anecdotally (never a good word but anyway!) the word bitch is used quite frequently by women.

    16. Absolute nonsense. You wan’t 50% of the population not to be forceful with opinions because it may frighten the other 50%. I know very forceful people; both men and women and I respect them because they stand up for themselves. I don’t want my political representatives or my lawyer to be pussy-cats to be afraid to offer opinion and be forceful with it when required.

    20. I take issue with this and so would my girlfriend. It depends on the dynamic of the couple as to whether consent is assumed in any particular interaction. Though I’d agree if someone says stop you do so right away it is ridiculous to require someone to ask before any sort of sexual contact. Also when does one sexual act end and another being whence another request is required.

    21. No. No I won’t. I’ll read what I enjoy. Life is to friggin hard anyway that I need another reading list.

    22. More no. Take an anthropology or sociology course if you want to study human interaction. These courses are biased from the word go and are places that are not welcoming to many men, just as I’d assume some women would argue that certain courses are not welcoming to them.

    28. Not just 28 here but this is a theme. You essentially here are asking men to do things in a way that flies in the face of what a lot of men would choose to define as their masculinity. I don’t cry a lot, I don’t write journals. I do this because I define my masculinity as such (yes, I got it from society but I keep the bits I like and throw out others). Don’t ask me to change my definition of masculinity to suit your opinions. I would never ask a women to define what she considers feminine to suit me.

    31 and 32 can be contradictory. Acting in a “laddish” manner could be argued to objectify women but I would think both genders discuss sex and relationships in a crude manner if that’s how their dynamic works. As you say “Actions speak louder than words”. Joking and talking crassly doesn’t make a blind bit of difference if then that person treats all others equally through their actions.

    37. You are simply asking too much. It may seem silly to say this but I think it is too much. People enjoy things like music that is taboo because it’s an outlet. Asking people to be PC all the time, as nearly a part time job, while their lives are hectic enough as is.

    39. No. How about someone redefines their femininity in a masculine way?! Sounds equally stupid.

    40. Are you Jesus? Seriously? Never seek recognition?! This is starting to sound like a new 10 commandments. You are requiring a sea change in human nature that drives innovation and discovery and has little to do with gender.

    41. I do recognise, but I still won’t act. I also won’t act to put all my time into eradicating illness, protesting war etc, etc. I’m going to make a good career for myself and better the chances of myself doing well and my loved ones doing well (male and female). In the US in particular you employ capitalism. Rich people oppress me by having more wealth than I do and I may want to change that, but that is my fight.

    43. I hate this. I really do. If you spent all your time acting as you describe then you put yourself out of touch with how the majority of men act. Now you may argue that you are being enlightened and that a lot of men are contributing to the patriarchy in this sense but it also leads to a complete detachment of reality. You don’t change things by cloistering with like minded people.

    48. I can be an “ally” by giving women orgasms? Did you really write that?

    49. I also won’t do this. I do judge people by their clothing. If I see a women dressed half in nothing in a cold rainy city I will avoid her as I probably won’t get on with her personality type. Statistically speaking you can gather what a person does in their life and how they react by how they dress. The same argument could be put not to cross the street to keep yourself safe because you see a guy dressed like “trailer trash” (I don’t know if this analogy is appropriate, where I’m from I might say “chav”). Statistically you’re probably keeping yourself safe. We make snap judgements all the time; it’s the premise of human interaction.

    57. Nothing to do with feminism or any sort of gender issue. This would fit into any self help book.

    61. Same as 57. This guide could be called “How not to be an ass”.

    63. No. Not if I choose to. If I want to be a soldier or a mechanic or an engineer and drink beer and belch I damn well will. I’m not going to act contra to what society would have me to because “it’s a cool thing to do” or “it’ll help feminism”. To hell with that, I’ll reject those behaviours if I don’t like them, not because it makes anyone else feel better about themselves. Do you have no spine? This isn’t directed at your masculinity. It is directed as your worth as a human. I will define myself as I see fit,

    65. Erm, why? Do I get to define what a feminist is? Also, does Germany define what France is as an “ally”? Your assistance as an “ally” in any sphere of humanity is not dictated by those receiving any “assistance”. Nonsense.

    70. Yeeesh! More reading lists. Becoming conversant in a language that is full of deadly mines is what would turn many men off feminism. It is designed to obfuscate and alienate. The broad principles are something you can ask of someone, not to take up your cause as thier primary hobby. Also, “whiteness”? What? What has that to do with gender?

    72. My new one was speak as if the NSA is listening, not a woman. Seriously? I have to be careful with how I choose to express myself with my closest friends because it’ll make me an “ally”? Am I meant to tip-toe around in case I cause offence to anyone? Cause offence really shouldn’t be a problem. As the great Stephen Fry says “You’re offended? So f**king what!”.

    73. Again, it’s not a privilege. If we want all orientations to be treated as heterosexuals are now then if this achieved do we call everyone “privileged”? No, it’s the minimum we should expect as a society.

    78. If women don’t owe me anything (which they don’t), then I don’t owe them, or anyone else anything (hint: I also don’t). I don’t owe anyone anything unless I have wronged them through my actions. Women don’t owe me anything, and I don’t owe them to start crying and writing diaries as you suggest.

    81. Jesus on a bicycle! Make a twitter account?! Rid the world of evils by making everything you say something that is recorded publicly! Huzzah!

    82. …. ….

    83. How do I do this with all the reading lists you have set me? Do I give up my job to become a full time person who does good.

    88. You won’t embrace the haters by shutting yourself off in a bubble.

    89. What, what what?! I can get drafted into an army, I am likely to die younger, I am less likely to get a college education (where I’m from anyway) and I’m more likely to top myself off about it all in the end. How can you possibly say that men have no negatives in society.

    94. I want to be friends with none of those people. It might be my Neanderthal brain kicking in here, but those people are gonna get me invited to not many cool parties.

    96. Sure. But then accept the need for any group to have isolationist moments and not complain as a result.

    97. They do. I’m attracted to good looking women. Also, this comment coming from a country with such an obesity epidemic?! People need a lesson in healthy living. I don’t respect people for being completely out of control overweight if it is due to laziness. Why should I respect this? Also, what in the hell has this to do with feminism?

    98. I would kick you out of my shop for this. Don’t play with the stores goods! You do that and you’ll have the religious right wanting to cover up condoms in stores.

    And done…

  • Julia Beauchamp

    the best one by far here is “always ask for consent”. Not just in the bedroom, this one is powerful in all aspects of being in relationship.

    • AC

      Honestly interested here. Does this cover any sort of sexual act between two people? Just in your opinion. I’ve heard this before and from what I gather it means it sort of flies in the face of how I’ve always conducted my relationships.

      • Julia Beauchamp

        yes, at least for the first time each thing happens between two people, otherwise vague assumptions are flying all over the place.

        • AC

          Sure, I’d absolutely agree for first times. But the word “always” doesn’t imply just for first times. I would just consider it odd that I would have to ask permission to touch my partner (naturally talking about somewhere I wouldn’t touch most people!) while snuggling watching a movie or something.


      “If you want to see the true nature of a man, tell him “no”.” Bev Jo

  • lennbob

    How about just being a decent human being to *everyone*?

    • Cooper Thompson

      Now this idea I totally love!

    • 1981Mog .

      Because gender politics is saturated with demagogues looking to push their own agendas and rise to positions of prominence despite having nothing valuable to offer. On the upside, anyone who chooses to identify themselves as a feminist or a men’s rights activist rather than an egalitarian is very considerately labeling themselves a useless moron and potential enemy from the outset, which is quite handy.

  • Ronnie Jackson

    You see to become an “ally” so to speak, a man has to fight with his own nature. Now this is incredibly hard to do. He has to overrule his natural instinct with his intellect. It’s natural that a man will want to stare at a woman’s butt/breasts if they’re on show. But his intellect tells him that it’s frowned upon in the modern society.

    This causes civil war in a man forcing him to feel guilty about his nature, our bodies haven’t evolved at the same rate as our intellect has.

    • SolitaryDrone

      Yeah, we men are merely henchmen to the goal of equality. Seriously, you people should throw away the ”ally” word. It’s quite demeaning. It’s a diffrence between being a part of the equality movement and being a ally. But im quite sure you use that word for a reason.

      If a woman checked me out, i wouldn’t be insulted (in fact, i don’t know a single guy who would). It’s kinda wierd that women should when doing the same. Just another sexual repression. Unfair treatment. So much for equality huh?

  • angus

    >Men are never oppressed under patriarchy.

    That’s a joke, right? If you actually think that, you don’t know much about feminism or the patriarchy. The patriarchy is oppressing *everyone*, not just women or minorities. Everyone living in the patriarchy is being oppressed by it to one degree or another.

    Are men oppressed less? Most likely (although this is not necessarily a given, look into the disposability of men, for instance). But claiming that men are never oppressed under the patriarchy is laughable.

  • SolitaryDrone

    This list is sexist as fuck. It basically tells us that women are opressed little childrens. Like no9. Im obliged to walk on the other side of the street just because you assume that women are scaredycats? Seriously fuck this guy, another self-hating male that tells us that every aspect of traditional male-culture is childish and harmful. The way we are supposed to fix things is by femenising ourselves. We’re supposed to respect the females culture, but throw male culture out the window.

    It’s sexist towards both camps, this list is nearly impossible to follow and it’s francly designed to be as such, because you’re supposed to be a depraved sinner. You’re supposed to give yourself up to their cult. The feminist movement has become twisted and wicked. It’s no longer about empowering women, but disempowering men.

    I’d reccomend people to take a look at the term equalism, and see if it isn’t a better cause than feminism. Also i’d reccomend people to step away from this cult, it’s clearly gotten out of hand with this self-degrading bullshit.

  • This shit is stupid

    What a load of shit

  • AJ Ostrow

    40. Never seek recognition or affirmation.

    94. Showcase your feminist pride! (If you’re comfortable)

    • Avon Lady Barksdale

      102. Make gigantic blog post about it, but totally not for recognition.

      • Cooper Thompson

        no kidding…

  • Kora

    I enjoy walking at night. But don’t cross the fucking street to appease me… that’s ridiculous. Your assumption that I’d feel threatened sharing the sidewalk with a male is very condescending and sexist. I want to be treated like an equal, not coddled like some delicate fucking flower. BTW, I’ve defended myself successfully in the past while unarmed. Now I carry. Either way, I’m pretty sure I can take care of myself. :)

  • Steve

    Feminism has achieved great things for women rights, unfortunately they got selfish and decided not to take on the responsibilities as well, they left that for us.

    And now women complain about modern men not being chivalrous anymore, well yeah, what did you expect, women have more rights now than men do in western countries.

    • Steve

      Ontop of this, i think men do deserve more pay than women, because society can’t function without breaking the backs of strong men in order to maintain the infrastructure, every woman in my life has made much more money than i have for doing a job thats easily 10x easier, sitting in aircon, on facebook all day, when im breaking my back inhaling toxic gasses with no breaks all day. Women CAN’T do these jobs, i’ve seen them try and fail.

      Society is created by men, for women, and the only payment we ask in return is a little respect, modern feminism is the last straw.

      • Steve

        If men were payed more than women, then there would be equality, because it’s in our genes to want to protect women at all costs, this is the primary function of society, women get help given to them freely and without question, men are always told to toughen up and figure shit out for themselves.

        Equal pay for women actually means less pay for men, there are still women out there who won’t date a man unless he pays for dinner, until women pull their own weight, we deserve more pay.

        • Travis den Breeijen

          “Equal pay” can’t mean less pay, because it means evening out the pay. Meaning both get the same. And it’s not encoded in men’s genes to perform gender roles. I don’t protect women because they’re women. I protect people because they’re people, and I don’t make any special efforts for women. The social scientific term for men protecting women just because they’re women is “paternalism,” and the assumption that women need it because they’re weaker is “paternalistic domination.” Women are not weak or incompetent. You’ve been taught that, and you’ve also been taught that it’s part of our genes. Science doesn’t support this. There are some, very very small differences that are biological (aside from the obvious physically differences), but the bulk of evidence shows that it’s mostly dependent on how we’re raised, and the way that we’re raised has nothing to do with biology but everything to do with culture. Your argument is not supported by most reputable science.

    • Lia Walsh

      If you come across women who think chivalry is a good thing, please send them my way so I can talk some sense into them. There is nothing more frustrating to me than women who shoot us in the foot by believing that sexist behaviours are A-OK. Because, you know, if there aren’t already enough men who think feminism is full of it, we can also get some women on the bandwagon so that someone “who should know” can undermine what we’re doing to get rid of things that are oppressing people. Makes me want to scream, quite frankly.


      MRA troll. Boring, and full of the same cliches and lies… snore. Ignored, reported.

  • Ivan

    lol tl;dr

    I like the map. Shows exactly where feminist cancer can’t spread. Proud to be Russian!

  • rick

    sounds like he has no balls

  • Jeff Trigger

    Women aren’t incapable of handling themselves. Should women get equal pay for an equal job? Yes. Should women be able to advance the same way men do in the workplace? Yes. Should women have to sign up for selective service just like men? Yes. Should a female felon do the same time for the same crime as a male felon? Yes. I’m so sick of black/white, male/female, and all of this PC junk. If we truly want to treat people as equals, then maybe, just maybe we should stop labeling them in the first place.

    • Lia Walsh

      “I don’t see race.”

      Translation: “I am going to use my place of privilege to deny the sufferings of those who do not have white privilege while at the same time erasing their personal and cultural history.”

      This applies to all sorts of other things, too: sexism, classism, ableism, homophobia…

      • concernedmother

        I don’t think you know what quotation marks are.

        Also, you completely avoided the core point of the comment. I believe you are an MRA troll account, here to discredit true feminism.

        • Lia Walsh

          Here are some things I believe:

          I believe that your comment is condescending (how, I wonder, am I supposed to indicate an apt quotation I found on-line, other than using quotation marks?).

          I believe that (even if I had used them incorrectly) getting high and mighty about grammar during an idea-based discussion is classist. (If you don’t know what that is, please do look it up. The word is not as mainstream as the terms for other forms of oppression, like racism and homophobia.)

          I believe that if I find something problematic in a comment, I should not be obligated to ignore it completely because there is something else in the comment that might be valuable. I also believe that providing an anti-oppression quote that might inspire reflection is not a bad thing just because it’s uncomfortable for some people to hear.

          I believe that if you looked through any of my other (extensive) comments on this thread, you would know that I’m not an MRA.

          I believe that if you knew what true feminism was, you might have realized that my comment was meant to highlight one of the main problems in discussions surrounding oppression, which is that refusing to recognize a problem for what is is does not help to fix it.

      • Pitchguest

        What the fuck are you talking about?

        Basically what he’s saying is, stop judging people from their race or gender and just start looking at them as individuals. That’s not denying suffering; that’s attempting to resolve suffering. I think what he’s saying is more along the lines that there *is* too much suffering to do with the subject of race and gender and how instead of putting so much onus on it, we should try to look past it. What’s so wrong about that?

        Because we’re “erasing their personal and cultural history”? I’m sorry, but what? What is that even supposed to mean?

  • Guest

    Typical dogmatic feminist bullshit. But of course, it’s by a male feminist. You’re essentially the same as the ‘MRA nice guys,’ the only difference being you kissing the ass of every feminist. Congratulations on forming a list that makes women out to be oppressed victimized little children. But hey, feminism is about empowering women, right?


      Boring. 1/10 for MRA rhetoric.

  • Avon Lady Barksdale

    Dude, please tell me you’re only in this to get laid.

  • Jason

    Well, you did one thing right… you mentioned A Voice For Men! I’m very glad you did. Maybe a few men reading this will actually go there, and see what it’s like to have their problems taken seriously rather than laughed at. Good for you. Sincerely, an MRA who refuses to play Uncle Tom to a feminist movement that will always hate me.

  • moe

    #94 “This is What a Feminist Looks Like“.
    come’on !! are you serious? that’s a bad labeling,you’ve took it too far.
    I think that’s how gays looks like !

  • Theevil Oddone

    I’ve got an edit:
    Castrate yourself. Seriously. This list basically
    says: Hey, don’t be a straight male. Can’t even check out women anymore
    without being some sort of evil patriarch according to you people.

    I’m all for equal rights. Women and men should be equals in society,
    but there are some areas where that will simply never be. Men are
    naturally wired to look at women in a sexual manner, unless they’re
    Asexual or gay. Sorry ladies, but your boobs, buts, legs, and pretty
    faces are going to always draw our attention. It’s just the way things
    go. We’re also always going to be physically stronger than you, and
    hence better suited to certain jobs. If you can do the job, then welcome
    aboard, but don’t expect the bar to be lowered just to let you in.

    And yes, gender roles are bullshit, but some of them do show up naturally.

    are, in some ways, oppressed. Women have all the choices in the world
    about their pregnancies, while men have none. If you decide to keep the
    baby we’re stuck paying for it until it reaches adulthood. If you claim I
    raped you, I’ll be thrown in prison just on your word. You can say “oh
    false rape isn’t a real problem!” well, for the men who are falsely
    accused it’s a giant problem. I’ve been falsely accused of sexual things
    before. A girl almost ruined my life when I was 11 or 12 by claiming I
    threatened to rape her. Had the school principal believed the little
    witch I would have been jailed and made a sex offender. A rape victim
    needs counseling, but a man who is falsely accused of rape needs someone
    to protect him from Bubba for the next 25 years, perhaps even for life,
    depending on where he’s convicted. Oh, and if he gets out, his life is
    still a trainwreck, since the little harpy’s story will have spread to
    his friends and family, potential employers and landlords. He might end
    up sleeping in a cardboard box because some lying skank decided to ruin
    his life.

    Don’t lie and pretend that oppression doesn’t exist on
    both sides. I can’t even have sex with a girl now without being horribly
    afraid that the police will show up at my door to arrest me on a false
    allegation. I’m afraid to trust women because of that (among other
    things). You think men have it so easy, try being me. Sure, being a male
    I’m stronger, can pee standing up with ease, and can get certain jobs a
    lot easier and with a lot less scrutiny, but I can also end up with a
    decades long prison sentence or a debt that never goes away, and all a
    woman has to do to do that to me is say one word and be believed by a
    handful of people.

    You feminists really make me angry, because
    you not only paint men as these oppressive patriarchs, but you don’t
    address the issues where women have more power than men. You pretend
    false rape accusations don’t exist and aren’t a problem. You focus
    solely on women’s reproductive rights while ignoring the fact that, once
    a child is born, its mother can drain the bank account of the father
    dry and imprison him if he doesn’t pay because, oh, maybe he needs to
    pay his rent and eat. To feminists, men are disposible, oppressors, and
    patriarchs, and women are sweet angels that would never hurt these men
    if they’d just stop oppressing them. You’re the puritans all over again, except with a giant angry woman holding a castration clamp and screaming about patriarchy in place of Jesus.

  • KittenMonger

    Weeeeeee. I live in a wonderland where women are all dainty, fragile flowers and can’t be criticized for anything! A woman stabs you? Shouldn’t have gotten in the way of her knife! Reverse Saudi Arabia!

  • Derek

    I stopped reading after number 1. Men don’t have special privileges.

  • Adam D

    what a fag

  • OhWow

    Michael Urbina, you are the type of guy (you are lucky I am even calling you a guy) who would enjoy being chained up by lesbians and whipped into submission. You probably wear tighty whiteys, and sleep with a teddy bear at night. You probably submit to everything with a vagina. You probably get put in the friendzone on a daily basis by girls. You probably listen to all their problems and whiny complaints. I’m actually shocked you don’t have lipstick on.

    You are the mangina king…mangina royalty if you will. You are on a level unopposed by anyone else. I bet you even throw your jacket over puddles to let a girl walk on it so as not to get wet. You are clearly ashamed to be a man and you are obviously confused. Please seek counseling, because the sadistic desire to be dominated by women is not normal.

  • Fuckthisfaggot

    Is this guy dead yet?

    Someone really needs to end him.

  • Guest

    I’m a gay man and I find #24 in your list to be absolutely apalling.

    Gay rights, absolutely, are not part of feminism and are a wholly separate issue. I am disgusted by you lumping the two issues together as if they were one and the same. They’re not and never will be.


    This guy is a massive penis

  • Tarata

    This is absurd. The person that has written this is absurd.
    How much of a complete moron must you be to write this incredible load of garbage?
    Feminism is about hate, ideology and turning women into stupid children absolutely devoid of agency:

    Grow a brain, man.

  • Yami Shadowsong

    You are a faggot

  • OhWow

    Meanwhile in reality…

    -College students consist of 60% women and 40% men nationally…many colleges have even bigger discrepancies i.e. 70% women 30% men.

    -Women have all the power in divorce, reproductive rights, and custody of children.

    -There is lady’s night at bars where women get in free and men have to pay. Women are also allowed to cut line going into clubs, but if a man tries he will be tackled by a bouncer.

    -Women absolutely dominate in fields such as nursing, education, fashion, social work, psychology, etc. and no one makes efforts to get more males in those fields.

    -Women are allowed to hit men, but men are not allowed to hit back. The woman will also always be seen as a victim to bystanders and strangers would attack the man involved in the scuffle, never the woman even if she started it and hurt him badly.

    -Clothing stores are almost exclusively for women…95% of the store is for women and then there is a small corner in it for men’s.

    -The media (especially commercials) portrays women as pretty, smart, powerful, and strong while men are portrayed as obese, balding, ugly fools who can’t seem to do anything right.

    Quite the “patriarchy”, huh?

    • Lia Walsh

      Let me preface this: if I sound impatient, it’s because this is really tiresome. Despite how much of a trump card you seem to think this is, you’re probably the millionth guy who’s said these things and the 100th guy I’ve personally had to write this response to.

      This is maybe the most important thing in this whole comment: “Patriarchy” does not mean that life is perfect for men and absolutely dreadful for women. It’s a system that is harmful to all involved. For every one of your points, even if we admit that these are oppressions (and I have to say that not all of them are accurate), it can be traced back to patriarchy.

      Here you are, itemized:

      - College: according to the patriarchy, men are expected to have certain career choices, while women are expected to have others. Men are carnal animals, while women are enchanted pixies, meaning that men do the “hard” work and women do the “soft” work (or so they say it should be). So men go into engineering, business or trades, while women go into administration, education and healthcare. Notice how college is more applicable to things like education and healthcare (which absolutely require formal education) than trades and business (which often don’t: they can happen through other routes)? (i.e. You can’t just wake up one morning and open a clinic or work as a high school teacher without a degree, whereas even if it’s not going to be especially successful, there’s no law saying, “You can’t open a business or become a mechanic unless you’ve got a fancy degree to show for it.”) Even applying for an admin job in most cases requires a university degree. Is it any wonder that more women are going to university, when pretty much every long-term job “suitable” for women requires it?

      - Power in divorce, reproductive rights, custody: this needs to be broken down.

      Divorce: this is really vague, so you might mean any number of things, but let’s use the most obvious one, which is they get a bunch of money/alimony. Guess why? For millennia, women haven’t been expected to be the breadwinners, because they’re supposed to be at home popping out and looking after babies. That’s part of the patriarchy. FYI, feminists don’t want women to constantly be treated like they can’t take care of themselves in divorces; they want women to be able to just take care of themselves by being able to get the same high-level jobs as men, for instance. But things like alimony are reactive; that is, there was already a problem in place (women are meant to stay in the home and/or can’t make the money they need to raise kids) that they were trying to fix. If that problem didn’t exist, then we wouldn’t have divorces tending to give a bunch of money to women.

      Reproductive rights: you’re kidding, right? Have you opened a newspaper lately? If you’re talking about abortion, that’s being fought tooth and nail in the US and is not even a conversation they’re having in lots of other parts of the world. And if you’re talking about women getting to decide when they get pregnant, maybe we should talk about how many unwanted pregnancies happen through things like rape and lack of access to contraceptives/sex education. It’s not the woman who can decide to walk away from a pregnancy if she gets her partner pregnant. Not a good example, my friend.

      Custody: the patriarchy says that men are aggressive and must never show emotion, while women are so emotional it’s a fault. Which one is better suited to raise children? The one who can empathize with other humans, of course. So stereotype leads to women being “better suited” to be loving parents to children, which is ridiculous. There’s no reason why men can’t be loving, supportive fathers, except of course the fact that the patriarchy tells men they had better be strong and rational and unfeeling and aggressive and all the other things that make someone inhuman, or else they’re less of a man. This is how we condition men from birth. Would feminists like men not to be told they have to be that way, so they can be loving and supportive fathers (and partners, for that matter)? Hell yeah. Would we like men not to stifle their feelings until they become so frustrated that they’re violent? Obviously yes. That would mean less violence against women, and less violence by men against men, too.

      - Women get into clubs easier/free: the patriarchy says women are objects and men are aggressors that only want sex. So of course women get in free. It means lots of hot young things for men to be attracted to, so they want to hang out at that club instead of the one down the street with less hot chicks. It adds to the allure of clubs. Does this objectify women? Yes. Does this treat men like neanderthals that can’t control their penises all over again? Yes. This is how the patriarchy works, and while some women have bought the idea that this is empowering (i.e. “We control men’s penises with our sexy good looks!”), more and more women are fighting tooth and nail against it. Especially feminists.

      - Women dominate nursing, education, psychology, etc.: See the point above about college. Also, we can talk about the really high-paying jobs that are dominated by men, if you like (engineers, CEOs, high-level medical professionals, lawyers, etc.). I wonder–are men fighting tooth and nail to share their prestigious surgeon jobs with women, so that their men can instead get paid $30,000/year to teach grade-schoolers?

      - Women are allowed to hit men: the patriarchy says that men are aggressive and women are helpless. Under this idea, of course it makes sense that you can’t hit women, because they’re weak. It’s like saying you can’t seriously hit a small child; they’re vulnerable. I’m pretty sure any reasonable human (including and I would say especially feminists) would agree that nobody should be hitting anybody. The only reason it’s seen as unacceptable to hit a woman is because we’re supposedly weak, and so we don’t have to worry about men. You’ll be hard-pressed to find a feminist who wants women to be systematically portrayed as weak and helpless. We didn’t write this rule.

      - Clothing stores: the patriarchy says that men are practical and ugly, while women are vain and irrational. Women are also constantly sexualized, meaning that if we aren’t paying attention to how good we look, we’re failing at our job as women. So naturally, women spend a lot more tine shopping and a lot more money on clothing, which means the industry isn’t stupid; it’ll cater to that so it can pocket that money. In fact, it’ll spend a lot of money to continue telling women that they aren’t pretty enough and they need whatever product they’re trying to sell so that men will find them attractive.

      - Commercials: depends a great deal on what commercials you’re watching. Commercials have an end goal, which is to sell to their target audience. If it’s a commercial targeting women, it’s usually something like cleaning or beauty. Of course men are bumbling fools in Mr. Clean commercials–cleaning is a woman’s job, after all, and men have no experience doing that stuff! (At least the patriarchy says so.) If it’s a beauty ad, they’d better make sure the woman is (in fact, unattainably) beautiful and successful, so that they can undermine the woman’s self-esteem long enough for her to know she needs to buy it, or she’s not good enough. If it’s a commercial for Axe, where the target audience is men, of course the man is portrayed in a way that men are supposed to aspire to: someone who is getting the girl effortlessly because he’s irresistible. Most advertising is actually very guilty of objectifying women, especially in the fashion industry. Ever see unattractive, overweight, disabled women in a commercial? Of course not, because it’s not acceptable for women to be that way. Hell, it’s not even acceptable for women not to be white most of the time, if their choice of actresses is any indication. If advertising is empowering to women and encourages them to love themselves exactly as they are, that’s horrible for business. Again, advertising is largely geared at women. Why? Because they do all the shopping, and that’s the way it has to be, because men are too busy being manly to care about that stuff. Obviously.

      You make like women set all these rules a thousand years ago and are loving every second of it. In reality, there is a system in place that’s screwing everyone over, and it doesn’t help anything when we’re both outraged at it, but can’t even get our act together long enough to just work together towards fixing it.

      • Yared

        Bravo Lia Walsh for this excellent response. I admire your patience and willingness to repeatedly educate those who are ignorant and/or refuse to recognize their own privilege.

        • David Jackson

          So it’s our privilege to get drafted and go fight and die in wars?

          • Conner Peterson

            “Recognize your privilige goddammit!”

          • Samuel Noa Greén

            If feminism ruled the world there would be no wars.

          • Alec Leamas

            If feminism had ruled the world there would have been nothing to war over. Apparently Patriarchy is responsible for philosophy, law, politics, the state, medicine, navigation, harnessing electricity, the industrial revolution, the internal combustion engine, roads, flight, art, architecture, and the denuded female pudenda. A hearty “thank you, and I’ll be on my way” would have done nicely.

          • Lia Walsh

            *TRIGGER WARNING*

            If you’d be open to talking about how we make the military safe for women, then I’d be open to talking about mandatory drafting of women to the army. If women are going to come back from fighting on the front lines and get gang-raped by their colleagues (as happens a lot more often than most people care to admit), wouldn’t you imagine they’d be less likely to want to risk their lives for their country?

            Interesting, though, how MRAs are always hammering on about how more women should be in the army, but as soon as we try to productively talk about how we can make sure women can safely serve, they have nothing to say about it. In reality, if they do say something, it’s to deny that it’s unsafe for women to serve in the first place. (Translation: “I want to cry about how mistreated men are, rather than actually thinking critically about the root causes of this problem.”)

          • dshim83

            “In reality, if they do say something, it’s to deny that it’s unsafe for women to serve in the first place.”

            Is the idea to make it as “safe” as it is for men to serve in the military?


          • Anna

            You think the military is a safe place for anyone?


            There is no draft, not will it be re-instated any time soon. Your “argument” (which hes been trotted out 1 million times by ignorant men) fails completely.

          • Alec Leamas

            The draft is more recent than universal suffrage – does that mean you won’t be trotting out denial of the franchise as evidence for the Patriarchy because it is a problem that has been solved?

            And the Selective Service System remains in place for all able-bodied eighteen year old men – the system remains in place, all that is required is an act of Congress.

          • nicki

            Those are side-effects of the patriarchy that men put in place. It’s another example of how we can all benefit by getting rid of the patriarchy. The reason this exists is because historically women have been seen as too weak and feeble to fight in wars, not because all women decided it would be best to just send off men.
            Also, getting drafted is an extreme case which might not even happen to you in your life, the threat of rape, of being belittled due to my gender, of being verbally abused and of not being taken seriously due to me being a woman exists every single day of my life and affects all women.

        • Lia Walsh

          I appreciate the support. Also, I thank you for using my name in a respectful and courteous way, rather than as a tool to condescend me.

      • Privileged Male Pig

        “‘Patriarchy’ does not mean that life is perfect for men and absolutely
        dreadful for women. It’s a system that is harmful to all involved. For
        every one of your points, even if we admit that these are oppressions
        (and I have to say that not all of them are accurate), it can be traced
        back to patriarchy.”

        Then it’s not a patriarchy, is it, Lia? You
        seem to not understand what that word means. If we live in a system
        that is both disadvantageous to men and women, why do you call it
        patriarchy? Oh, because men have “privilege”, right?

        But then
        you deny the other commenter’s point that women also have privilege.
        But notice how nobody every tells women to keep their privileges in check. If we do, we’re called misogynists, which is another word that feminists don’t understand.

        This is clearly a double standard, which is why people like me and the previous commenter are sick and tired of feminists trying to make excuses for blatantly sexist articles such as this one.

        Patriarchy in the feminist vernacular isn’t even a coherent idea, as you can’t even decide whether it makes us men entitled for victimized. You seem to want to have it both ways. If I have sexy women on my laptop wallpaper, the feminist ideology tells me that I’m a privileged white male who is also victimized by the role dealt to me by the patriarchy.

        You see why this makes no damn sense? Not to mention that it’s unfalsifiable.

        It’s also condescending, no matter which side of it you argue. I have naked women on my computer, because I like looking at them. Not because society pressures me to do so. If I didn’t want them, I’d have something else on my computer.

        What if I’m gay? Is the patriarchy also to blame if I have naked men on my computer?

        Again, you see how this makes no fucking sense, Lia?

        • Travis den Breeijen

          Males are the dominant group in American society, and in most cultures on the planet. They receive the bulk of privileges, and these privileges are conferred through every major social institution: Government, education, science, media, military, politics, family, etc…. There may be disadvantages for every group, but men-as-a-group as opposed to women-as-a-group have the bulk of the privileges, while women have the bulk of the disadvantages – and this has been found true in every social institution in almost every industrialized culture. Even in pre-industrialized cultures, it has been found that, as tribal cultures move from agricultural to industrial to post-industrial, the men gender tends to amass power in instutitions. For every instance you cite of men’s disadvantages in an individual institution, research has found this to be true but has also found a disproportionately larger amount of disadvantages for women and an equally disproportionate lack of priveleges for women. It varies cross-culturally in degree and by institution, and in regards to race, social class, age, etc… But, the major accepted non-partisan (non-Feminist) and Feminist research overwhelmingly shows that men are the dominant group in most post-pastoral cultures on the planet, and women are the non-dominant group (called the “minority,” which does not mean numerical minority, because women are actually more numerous than men, it simply means not-dominant). And, simply by definition, a culture in which man is the dominant gender group is called a patriarchy. It’s just a definition in social science.

        • Samuel Noa Greén

          Men like me are so tired of misogyinist sexist idiots like you. Why do you keep on ignoring and ignoring all the obivous signs? There is no double standard. All those “priviliges” you say women have are based on a derogatory system which objectifies women much more negatively then men. There simply is NO real way that women have it better in our society and all the “priviliges” they would have I think most would trade for ours (If I was a women I would) in a heart beat if they could.

          Also you know who is they biggest victim of male violence? Surprise! Males! Yeah, thats the patriarchy for you, males (the majority) would benefit immensly from feminism. It’s just so sad that you don’t see it. If society would be feminist you would get into the club easier, you would win csutody of your children easier among other things. Just get out of your cave, person.

        • Lia Walsh

          First things first: can you please stop arguing with me and instead argue with my arguments? I never gave you my permission to use my name every three seconds, like A) it’s your property (do you think we have a relationship worthy of you calling me by my first name, for instance?), B) nobody else in the world could hold these opinions, therefore it’s only me you have to address, and C) it’s basically just a way for you to talk down to me. I’d really appreciate it if you could just stop using my name.

          And to the point (that is, what privilege looks like), because this really is very simple: if the system is broken, it’s easy for men to fix it. Institutions (most importantly, government) are very dominated by men, and if they wanted to change the way we do things, that would be an option for them. If women wanted to fix the system, they wouldn’t have representation in institutions, therefore their voices wouldn’t be heard and making change would be more difficult. (Basically, as women, we have to get men on our side for anything to happen in government that reflects what’s important to us.) Yes, privilege is really that simple.

          Patriarchy = Pater (father) + arche (rule) [men are ruling/governing, in modern terms meaning men are presidents, elected representatives, etc. more often than women]

          • RedPill

            Oh my goodness, all those non-sequiturs about your first name and completely ignoring his arguments

            This sort of bullshit is why nobody takes 3rd wave feminism or feminists seriously anymore, and why you are losing. But by all means continue, because I’ll be happy to see this sort of lunacy consigned to the dustbin of history.


            Fuck off, MRA troll. You’re boring. Back to AVFM with you!

        • LANE

          The reason someone can be both privileged and a victim is that when one has privilege over another it creates an unbalanced system and that same person is affected by the system being out of balance. For example let’s say there are 2 monkeys, a male and a female and they share a feeding site. The male gets first access to the feeding site and eats all of the food before the female gets to it. Over time, the male becomes obese and develops health issues because the food is meant to feed 2 monkeys. The female is starving, so this system is obviously detrimental to her, and the male is having health problems also because of the system. I think what this article aims to say is that men should be aware that this is the kind of imbalance we are dealing with, so maybe pay attention and save half for the females. At the same time, notice that the system does negatively affect the male if they choose to perpetuate the social expectations of getting more and being ignorant to the fact that that is leaving women with less.

          “Equality is like gravity. We need it to stand on this earth as men and
          women, and the misogyny that is in every culture is not a true part of
          the human condition. It is life out of balance, and that imbalance is
          sucking something out of the soul of every man and woman who’s
          confronted with it. We need equality. Kinda now.”

          Joss Whedon

    • kj

      Oh Wow – Are you sure?

  • Craig Spector

    Apparently, treat everyone with the same kinds of consideration,
    deference and respect you would wish to receive yourself is just too
    simple. We need more rules. Special rules. Rules for menz. Odd irony
    of this list is, even if you did every single one on the list, every
    single day, you still could not consider yourself an “ally.” Rule #65
    states that clearly: “Recognize that we don’t define what being an ally
    entails. Women have that job.” You — you *man*, you — you don’t get
    to self-define, in this shining new paradigm of enhanced equality for
    everyone but you. The best you can dream of, in your newfound earnest
    humility, servility and subservience, is to possibly be thought of as
    “ally-ish”, maybe. But don’t let that go to your big ol’ man-head:
    Rule #40: “Never seek recognition or affirmation” has that well covered.
    I could go on, but why, really… ugh….

  • Andrew Wurm

    I actually have been having an extended conversation with my friend who linked me to this article, and she agreed with all your points except for possibly 42. Claim the feminist label. There was conversation about whether or not straight men can legitimately claim the label feminist, since men are generally the oppressors, not the oppressed. Since I was raised to believe in equal right for all by my mother, a feminist, she along my her mother, my grandmother, gave me a strong sense of civil justice and desire for equality. As such, I’ve often called myself a feminist since I was a child. However, I’m realizing that there are women who take umbrage with this; only someone who has experienced gender discrimination can be a feminist, according to some. I find this to be a bit of a surprise, since such a sentiment was never expressed to me by the two most important, and feminist, women in my life. I understand that English is a living language and the definition of words change over time, but up until recently, I’d never heard of feminism’s definition requiring that of being a victim of gender discrimination. I’m curious what everyone here thinks about that.

  • David Jackson

    I am advocating for change. I think that women should be required to register for Selective Service (i.e. the draft). And if they don’t register, we jail them. How’s that? Enjoy the draft. Here’s your M16.


      Again with the BS draft straw man. You MRAs are like wind-up toys with the same false argument over and over… how boring. You have lost and all you have is lies. lol

    • rikkimuffin

      why not have both men and women be able to determine if military service is appropriate for them? I am a pacifist and would avoid violent conflict as much as possible, but I would not tell someone else what they can or can’t do based on their gender. There are even arguments against allowing women who have joined the military to be on the front lines because they are “emotional and distracting to men”, as if men are completely unable to control themselves, or women are incapable of tactical operations. Why not have physical ability standards that both men AND women must meet in order to accomplish the same goals? There is also a large amount of sexual abuse that women in the military encounter that goes unrecognized or challenged by the people in power to stop it. Why would women want to join a “boys club” that is quick to violate them when they enter that space? Why would anyone want to be violated by their fellow combatants when serving their country and be told “that’s just the way it is”?

  • emerson splashtop

    Should be only 2 things

    #1. Be Yourself

    #2. Make women feel secure and safe around you. (A Herculean task on it’s own, evolutionary biology and media perceptions of men don’t help – you’re destined to fail on this one often regardless of who you are, but at least try)

    That is literally all there should be. Reworking the entirety of who you are via these 101 “ways” to get along with the other sex is blatantly absurd. Never in ~40000 years of human life has it ever worked like this before. These people are brainwashed, You don’t have to be a leftist feminist to be an “ally of women”. You should re-write the title to say 101 ways to be the ally of an indoctrinated feminist. They created this self serving dichotomy for their own gain.

  • Adam

    16. Never force your opinions on other people….18. Be pro-choice. lol (dw I’m on your side)

    49. Don’t judge women by their choice of clothing – what if a woman was wearing a right to life tshirt?

    40. Never seek recognition or affirmation. Why did you post this list?

    Some nice sentiments nevertheless.

  • dufflerpud

    Spend some time in a custody court. Recognize how much feminism has done to promote single mother families. Get back to me about supporting feminism as a man.

    While you’re at it, look up “Anders Brevik” and check out:

    oldnationalreviewcom /kurtz/kurtz200602220826.asp
    wwwdeltabravonet /cms/files/downloads/ifmenhav.pdf

    You can be a friend to women all you want, but you need to start being a friend to men too.

    Women are 20% more likely to graduate from college than men, mostly because of feminist lobbying for extra resources for women throughout the education process.

    Consider all the resources that are available to women only, etc, etc. You really need to wake up to what’s going on around you. Your concept of patriarchy has some validity, and yes, men often mistreat women, but it is now a two way street:

    wwwyoutubecom /watch?v=91O3wDSy_HE
    wwwyoutubecom /watch?v=LlFAd4YdQks

  • John H

    Great list! I agree with pretty much all of this, especially the bits about taking a Women’s Studies class (I was raised in a sort of Second Wave house, but my first Women’s Studies class blew my mind, so much so I decided to major in it) and applying feminism/feminist theory to everyday life.

    “Men are never oppressed under patriarchy.”
    Gay men (actually, any men who don’t embody normative masculinity) are, though they’re also advantaged in some ways, and there are intersectional positions under patriarchy where men are oppressed additionally or differently than simply as a matter of class, race, ability, etc. I am having difficulty coming up with a short statement that captures the same sentiment while still qualifying it by acknowledging that Patriarchy Hurts Men Too™. Maybe something like, “Patriarchy primarily oppresses women, though it can also disadvantage certain groups of men as well; feminism does not oppress men,” and then leave the more thorough discussion for the bullet point(s)?

  • debaser71

    Micheal Urbina, I think much of your list is projecting your own ideas onto others. I don’t know what social groups you run with but the way you describe men (in general) is alien to me. The things you think men should learn or do is already being done by many people. For example, I am a stay at home father. My wife didn’t take my name. I do the cooking in my house. I took paternity leave…heck I quit my job. etc etc. While you, Micheal are talking the talk some of us (gasp) men are already walking the walk. And post like these erase people like me. Thanks for that.

  • Cam ‘Turbo’ R____

    Loving the soft bigotry in this article.

    “Women need to be nurtured, protected, and looked after because they are weaker”
    “Men should step down to women”
    “Women need men to speak for them on important issues that they probably understand better”

    Maybe you should stop being condescending while pretending to be a champion of women’s rights. Maybe instead of being a “feminist” – an ideology that is incredibly limited in its worldview – you should be an egalitarian and try to see both sides of important issues.

  • Chris

    Full disclosure: White, heterosexual Dutchman here.

    I really dislike the point about cooking with my girlfriend. She couldn’t boil water if the house was on fire. She’s not getting anywhere near my kitchen, buddy.

    Jokes aside, while some of these points might be helpful in the ways of understanding how women feel in certain situations, a lot of these come across as very odd things to limit to females. #78: Challenging entitlement, for instance, seems like an enormous DUH to me. I’ve never paid for dinner assuming it would lead to sex, however; I’ve also never bought my friends drinks assuming I’d get something for it either. It might be an incompatible comparison to women who think all men just want sex, but it’s a level of basic human decency that you give without expecting to receive, no matter the recipient of your gift, service or kindness.

    Do I just need to call my mother? I like calling my father as well, you know. I like both of them, they are both my parents, and both of them raised me, together. Just because my mother is a woman, should I prioritize her rather than give them equal attention?

    Do we support same-sex marriage just because of lesbians? Do we also care about gay men, or are they secondary human beings? Very strange.

    #63: Defying male stereotypes is just… weird. Do female stereotypes also need to be defied? What is the male/female stereotype? I feel like I am very different from most men I know, and my girlfriend is not like most women I know (this is why we have a romantic relationship).

    A lot of this list assumes male guilt, and while I’m sure that sentiment is shared among feminists (especially considering the point you make about not acting being akin to acting in opposition), it’s just inapplicable. I do not oppress any group of people and oppose the oppression of any group of people. This includes women, and it includes men as well. This blog post is just very, very strange.

  • michaelbarrett92

    I am finding it very difficult to agree with any of this at all, In fact I found allot of it very offensive. As an adult male who was raised by a single mother I was always interested in feminism and for a long time I thought I was a feminist. I am pro choice, I want more women in the work place, more women in government and I do think the media can be kinda sexist (although I don’t agree with censorship). Anyway over the last few years from socializing with feminism I have realized I am not a feminist this is because of the way most feminists view me, I find it to be sexist. I don’t think you should be telling people how to think feel or even behave and I don’t think you should be letting feminism tell you how to behave either, it’s your life.

    Oh and just to add as an LGBT identified person I would kindly ask feminists to back off a little bit Being LGBT ot supporting the LGBT does not make you a feminist, Just as feminists can still be incredibly homophobic as I sadly had to learn for myself. I’m not saying the two causes can’t have common interests but it’s not the same so please don’t pretend it is.

  • cgives

    Thank you for standing on a huge limb to write this article. I appreciate how you’re thinking of gender in an innovative way that modern society desperately needs.

  • schwarzblond

    Coming back a day later, I feel so sad for the comments being hijacked by MRAs.
    Trying to focus on point 81 and watching http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uz2jbCJXkpA

    • Lia Walsh

      Thank you for sharing this. It might be the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen.

  • dashed

    “If you’re serious about being an ally, I
    think this point is somewhat obvious. Let me put it to you this way…By
    having that poster or wallpaper up, you are objectifying a woman and her
    body. Plain and simple. Odds are… you have it up simply because you
    like the way she looks in a bikini or just completely naked. Guess what…
    Women. Are. Not. Objects. How are you ever going to work with a woman
    or take any woman seriously (for that matter) if all you care about is

    Guess what people are capable of lusting after someone without seeing them as an object!

  • Angelique333

    Thank you for your insights Michael. This list gave me more insight into what is going on with men and I would trust that you might have more insight into this because you are male. I also see that sexism and misogyny often times is also ingrained in women. I have heard female friends of mine actually say that they would never go to a female doctor “because women aren’t as capable or intelligent as men in sciences and math.” That was something I heard just ten years ago.

    I count myself lucky to have been raised by a mother who taught me that there is no difference beyond the superficial, and physical between men and women.

    I really get what you are talking about with the white-privilege having had the chance to live in SE Asia for a time and having the opportunity to be a generally disliked and un-trusted or threatening minority. It was an enlightening experience to learn of the privileges that I have here in the States as a white female.

    I truly feel that you couldn’t be more appropriate in speaking to fellow men on this matter, because it may be more acceptable information coming from a man than from a woman due to the resistance and sometimes perceived gender-war.

    I can not say that I am much affected in my work or life due to these issues as I own my own practice and am more of a spiritual teacher. I see it though. I am sometimes challenged to find new ways to reach my male students because there have been so many lies given to men about the nature of feeling and the balance to feminine (receiving/Power)) which would free us all to act from a more Divine masculine (action/Strength) enabling greater peace, unity and harmonious way in fellowship.

    Ground breaking information will always stir up discomfort and argument in people regardless of their gender. Humans tend to fear change. I think we as a culture have spent so much time justifying the world we live in that it may be difficult for most to see it differently.

    Thank you for taking the time to do your best.

    You are quite a way-shower. As a fellow human I celebrate your courage to assist the ushering in of the divine feminine (as you call it: “feminism”) within us all.

  • dashed

    “Be conscious of where your eyes wander as a woman walks by. Change that behavior.”

    You think looking at a woman for 4 seconds as she passes by is bad? Man you are sexually repressed.

  • Tboots

    Ugh. This is nauseating, and I only got through the first twenty. Treating women like human beings is pretty basic. Let me boil down for you in less patronizing, less women-are-my-pet-project terms:

    1. Don’t assault women or girls. Don’t blame women or girls when you assault them.
    2. Pay women equally for equal work.
    3. Don’t use the bodies of women or girls to sell products. Don’t buy from companies that use female bodies to sell their products. Women and girls are not bodies or products.
    4. Don’t imagine that your erection bestows worth on women. Turns out, a woman’s worth is utterly unconnected to whether or not you find her attractive. Men fuck sheep and inflatable dolls, for christsakes, and Janet Reno is still more powerful than you are whether you want to fuck her or not. Your penis is not the measure of anything, ever.
    5. Don’t think or behave as though women owe you something. No one owes you anything.
    6. Don’t tell us what to do with our reproductive organs. If you want control over reproduction, manage your own reproductive organs.
    7. Don’t impede our access to education.

    It’s not a whole lot to ask for.

    • gregoryabutler

      Thank you! a much better list!

  • Travis den Breeijen

    It’s not the patriarchy that’s hurting men, it’s the gender roles. But, patriarchal effects combined with women’s gender roles in society confer much more disadvantages for women than do gender roles on men.

    • Lia Walsh

      By no means are gender roles identical to the patriarchy, and I would argue that the latter heavily influences the former, while the reverse is much less true. So at least in my mind, it’s not much of a stretch to say that the patriarchy is hurting men (by creating these gender roles). So yes, I can give you that immediately and very strictly-speaking, the patriarchy isn’t what’s hurting men, but let’s make sure to focus on (as you said) the *combination* of the two, yeah? To me, it’s nigh impossible to separate them.

  • Torkis

    I think the best rule for women to have “good male allies” is not to be surrounded male assholes. Most of these rules are common sense for most men, but for a single person it is most likely “the list of 101 ways of NEVER GETTING LAID”. Which is important for most men…. AND women. Unfortunatly most women dig assholes. Thats all I need to write to defy this whole crappy, offensive list.

  • Travis den Breeijen

    You’re taking one example from a list of 101 examples, most of which were pretty neutral. I liked a lot of his examples, but I didn’t agree with the one you cited. I didn’t however, disregard everything he said, because that would be unreasonable, unless I had an honest objection to every single point, on its own individual merit. I’m not Christian, and I think some of the Bible is rhetorical and contextually moot at this point, but that doesn’t mean other parts of it don’t have useful messages.

  • Ramón Goldaraberg

    Paraphrasing feminist Susan Faludi:
    “I ask that men be free to define themselves: instead of having their identity defined for them, time and again, by their culture and their women”.

    Feminists crave their space and freedom for women to define themselves, yet are always dying to dictate an endless, closed, strict non-optional code for men to follow, telling them how to behave, what to think, what to buy…

    Sorry, but not buyin’ these 101 commandments.

  • Jess Geez

    Ooookkkkkk…. supporting women also means supporting sex workers, which means NOT EVER recommending Nicolas Kristof!!!

  • Jess Geez

    Aside from recommending Kristof, there’s only one point I’d disagree with: needing more male ally voices. What we need is for male allies to AMPLIFY the voices of women! Sure, there’s a place for male allies (just like there’s a place for white anti-racist allies), but let’s be careful not to make it at the expense of female voices!

  • ThinkingMang

    Feminism is the ideology that we can make both sexes equal by focusing only on one of them.

  • Marcus Anderson-Smythe

    I’m sorry, but I couldn’t read through this whole thing, I got like up to ten and had to stop in fear of becoming brain dead. This is why I no longer am a feminist, an ex-feminist that went from feminist, to neutral, to anti-feminist.

    Male priviledge? I’m sorry, let me make just “one”. This “one” point cannot be matched by any feminist delusions of “male priivilege”, and it shows women have far more benefits to them in our society than men: Men can be drafted, women can’t.
    Men can be forced against their will to fight, kill, and die. Originally, this was why men were allowed to vote, as only landowners could vote before this. When they were first drafted, the reward for their sacrifice was to be able to vote and have a bit of power over the country they were “forced” to die for.
    Women, on the other hand, simply had to protest to get what men got for fighting, killing, and dying against their will, and yet you feminists have the nerve to say “men” are privileged when they have to die to gain something, and all you have to do is complain? Fuck you.
    A few more:
    - Females get 30-45% less prison time for the same crimes under the same circumstances, sometimes resulting in no jail time at all.
    - Justice system bias, for example, a woman proven to falsely accuse a man of rape, which would destroy his whole life, also making it possible for him to be a victim of a more traumatic rape (anal rape), is on average given less than a year sentence.
    - Less reproductive rights. I am specifically talking about financial abortion here. Even when there is a rational way to introduce this, where men would get the choice over becoming a parent or not, all while women would not lose “any” rights of their own (still get choice over their own body), it is still not happening.
    - Despite domestic violence being on equal footing on male and female victims and victimizers, around ten percent of shelters for domestic violence victims accept men.

    I have far more, but I will stop there. What irritates me is that all this “male privilege” seems to be from a “social” point of view, which tend to not add up when thinking about it rationally, where as female “privilege” comes in “legal” forms, and yet nothing is said about it.

    4: Sorry, but who do you think you are? I personally do not do this, quite honestly I am not as sexually active as some others, by choice (I may have a lower sex drive, as someone informed me – I have not checked, or it could be other aspects in which I choose not to), I don’t even have a mobile phone to do this, but if I did, who would “you” be to say that I, or anyone else, shouldn’t have such things on their own items? It’s “theirs”, and it is “their” sexuality, they are allowed to do what ever they want aslong as the pictures were not taken against the person in them’s choice.
    That’s another thing, these pictures you speak of tend to be of “models”, in which the whole purpose of these pictures being there is because women have applied to do a job where it is supposed to sell, where these women “want” to have their pictures viewed by people to gain money, hence them being models. Are you trying to say that the models in these pictures and the people who use these pictures on their personal items are bad people for using pictures “women” want to be viewed?
    So basically, you are not doing this for “women”, you are doing this for “feminism”. If a woman does something feminism doesn’t agree with, it is wrong, which kind of shows you are not for what women want, you are for what feminists want.
    The whole reason for the women in the pictures to become models is to have their pictures used in that way, that is a choice a man (or woman – lesbian) can do because it is a choice a female model has made that shows she “wants” her products (pictures) to be used, and that is not going to change just because other women feel insecure.

    I also love how you don’t mention women with half naked male pictures. I myself have been in female rooms *ahem* and seen far more half naked male pictures than I have seen the reverse in my guy friends’ rooms. Is that acceptable? In my reasoning, it is, just as much as men doing it with female pictures is, however I have no doubt in my mind that when you say men doing this are wrong, you would say women doing the exact same thing is being “sexually freeing”.

    5: “Many of my female friends have told me that instances of catcalling and
    street harassment are some of the most frightening, awkward, intrusive,
    and degrading experiences of their lives”…You know what I have noticed, and I am not saying it doesn’t happen, it does, but it seems that these things only ever seem to happen from when women say they happen. To this day I have not seen it happen, and I have moved around since I was a small boy, so much so to be considered a gypsy without a caravan.
    This is something I noticed, that for some strange reason, women claim to be getting catcalled 24/7, and yet people “never” see it happening, the only times we hear of it is when a woman is saying it is happening, not when we actually see it happen.
    I am not saying it doesn’t happen, it does, to both genders, but it does not happen nearly as much as feminists try to portray it happening.
    I myself have had multiple females “catcall” me, and this has happened in many of the areas I have moved, multiple times, be it a comment about my backside, calling me “sexy”, etc, and some even physical, such as a slap on my backside, which happened countless times in highschool and college, randomly being pressed against, which happened in the street, this girl randomly walked up to me and pushed her breasts on my chest, then walked back and stared, or even when I was in highschool and a girl put her hand on my crotch in class, and when I pulled away said “what are you, gay?”.

    As a matter of fact, I have seen this “catcalling” and non-consented sexual comments/actions from women on to men more than I have seen the reverse, and you know what? Even when it happened in high school and college by my teachers, not one said anything, where as one time in college someone said something about a girl and a sex toy and got pulled up about it, even when I had been getting groped and nothing was said or done. Must be that male privilege, eh?

    6: Again, fuck you. Personally, I don’t stare, sometimes I do, but it’s mainly at faces, and I tend to do this more to guys than females (I like male and female faces), but even if I did stare, that is not “sexually objectifying”. This is just ridiculous. Men and women are attracted to eachother, if we see something or someone that has traits we find attractive, then they will have out attention, hence the whole word of being “ATTRACTIVE”, because it “ATTRACTS” our attention. Jesus H Christ, this is why I couldn’t make it through even half of this list.
    Being physically attracted to someone is not “Objectifying” them, believe it or not, you genius, you (Sarcasm. I had to mention it is sarcasm because I do not believe you are capable of understanding sarcasm), you can see people in a particular aspect that grabs your interest and still view them as a human being. You have this idea that if you find someone sexually appealing you are seeing them as a sexual object, rather than a sexually attractive “person”.

    7. Obviously someone smiling at you doesn’t mean they definitely want to be with you, however this has irritated me, as I have constantly seen women say “I kept giving him the signals I “liked” him, I gave him the eye, the smile, the giggle, and everything”.
    Men tend to have to be the one that makes the moves, in which women tend to be the ones that give the signals, which yes, means smiling, eye contact, and so on.
    Even I find this completely stupid, it’s women that seem to not understand how stupid it is, because even I sit there and say “How the hell is someone supposed to know you like them more than a friend by giving eye contact and smiling, which is just being well mannered?” In which some have responded “It’s different, how hard is it to see the signals!?”
    This type of thing does happen, and it does piss me off because it doesn’t “always” mean she “likes” you, and yet it is the method used by so many women to show they do “like” someone, so how the hell is the guy supposed to know if she “likes” him or not? He can’t, it’s a gamble, in which he takes a leap of faith and gets seen as a jerk for assuming it meant something, or if he thinks that she is just being polite, gets seen as an idiot for not reading the signals.

    8: How people talk to others is completely up to them. Personally, I have a very flirty way of speaking to people, although I do not intend it, it is what women seem to say it seems like, in which they don’t complain about it, but even if they did, that is how I am, that is how I communicate, and if you don’t like it, then take it upon yourself to leave, because I am not changing who I am to fit who “you” want me to be, which ironically is what the whole feminist movement claims to be about, not making one gender feel like they have to be a certain way for the other, right? Or is that only the case when it benefits your ideology?
    Another thing, which I have noticed. The difference between most “creepy” flirting and “normal flirting” tends to have nothing to do with the flirting itself, but who is doing the flirting.
    I have noticed that when a geeky, not so attractive guy uses certain flirting methods, he is seen as a creep, yet when an attractive guy does the same line of flirting, he is “flirting”.
    Sorry, but no. The way people interact to find partners is not something women have complete control over. If someone is flirting and you dislike it, then you tell them you dislike it, and if they continue, then you have a right to complain, but people have a right to find others attractive and try to attract the people they are attracted to, feminism has no say in this aspect.

    9: Excuse me? This is where I ended up giving up on this whole list. You are trying to say that I must try and convince others that “I” am not a criminal that would attack people? Are you serious? I have to make women feel comfortable, because they may view me as something I don’t see as something comfortable to be seen as? Fuck you, seriously, fuck you. I have to cross the street to convince somebody I am something I am not simply because of “their” paranoia?
    If they see “me” as a threat when I am not, then that makes it “their” responsibility to avoid me. I am not going to comply with the idea that I should be treated as a criminal just because women assume I am one because I am male.
    I guess that must also be that male privilege, right? Nothing says privilege like being seen as scum because you are male, right?
    Little fact for you, men are more likely than women to become victims of violence, more so at night.
    Another fact for you, stranger rape is the least likely way someone will be raped.

    Who are you to dare say I should comply with being seen as a criminal simply for being a man?
    Should I consider a woman a slut because she wears skimpy outfits? No? Then don’t push your bullshit that comes under the same reasoning on me for being male.

    This is a fine example of why the majority of people dislike feminists/feminism. Looking down in the comments, believing that feminists can’t be this…Oblivious, to put it lightly, that they would go against so many on this list, and the “ONLY” one I am seeing is about male allies to the movement…

    Are. You. Kidding. Me?

    This is why you are hated, feminism. This is why the anti-feminism culture (not to be confused with MRAs) is larger than the feminist one.

    This is why I went from feminist to anti-feminist.

    Go damn figure, the comments are moderated. Well, this comment is not going to get through, right? We wouldn’t want reasoning to interrupt your feminist bubble now, do we?

  • Marisa Guarino

    I am so sorry you are receiving all this flak. I do agree that some of these might be taking it a little too far (crossing the street, for example–I think a woman will be ok if you pass by her at night, it might freak her out, but she’ll be ok–just don’t rape her, or assault her or anything!). I wish that a lot of the commentors here could see that a lot of the ‘female-privileges’ that they think exist would also disappear if everyone was treated equally.

  • Michael E. Shelton

    “Fuck that! You are perfect just the way you are.” The title says it better than the explanation but if you are unhealthy you are not perfect, aim to be healthy. I think that both male and female bodies can always use more work and can be made better and by praising all bodies you miss that point. Otherwise a really good article!

  • Lia Walsh

    Maybe the best course of action is for you to write to all of your female elected representatives and request the changes you want to see in your city/state/country.

    Oh, hang on. The vast majority of elected representatives are men.

    Privilege is simple: women are not in the positions of power necessary to make change, or at least not even close to as many of them as men. If the policy sucks where you live, it’s not because women have enacted bad laws; it’s because men have. (If you don’t believe me, check out the rings Wendy Davis had to jump through in Texas to have her voice heard over the men’s voices on what is very much a women’s issue.)

    • Pitchguest

      Logic is also simple. The majority of the elected representatives are men because the majority of elected representatives elected were men. That’s sort of what “elected representative” means; that the people chose them over their individual merits. Can women become elected representatives? Can they combat men on an equal footing in being elected? Survey says, yes they can.

      So is that a “privilege” that only men have? Seems not.

      See, this is another thing that some feminists are unable to grasp. That because women aren’t being represented as much as men in a certain field, then it’s automatically because of “privilege” or “the patriarchy.” Some feminists say the fact that there aren’t more female scientists, or authors, or game developers as men, is because of “the patriarchy.” Well, you can’t prove a negative, so I guess you will just have to take them at their word. Easier said than done. In my opinion, though, it’s bullshit. The reason there aren’t more of them could be due to many things, and not necessarily due to a patriarchal construct that intends to prevent women from entering into these fields.

      It could be lack of interest. It could be they sought another profession. It could be they don’t have the confidence or the drive to pursue it. I don’t know. I’ve also heard the argument from some feminists that since women are underrepresented in these fields, then employers should make a conscious choice to employ more women. (Which implies some women should be employed simply because they’re women [to be treated as tokens], rather than actually being considered by their merits alone, gender notwithstanding.)

      • Lia Walsh

        I’ve already covered female socialization towards certain careers (somewhere up there in this thread) in pretty elaborate detail. Please don’t make me repeat it all over again.

  • Guest

    Not many others seem to have mentioned this much, so i will: I don’t see why you repeatedly lump women and the LGBT community together. We face different issues. Within the LGBT community, even, each section of the community faces different issues. I imagine there are few trans men who would love being grouped in with women. You said yourself you’re not very knowledgeable on trans issues, so maybe you should refrain from speaking about them in the future.

  • disqus_RJRBNjjwaF

    #67 “Combat rape culture in your social circle, workplaces, or school”. add and as a parent. Teach your children to respect women, not only by saying it but living it.

    • EvilPundit

      Teach your children to respect men, not only by saying it but living it.

  • dashed

    “Don’t be selfish. Make her the priority.”

    I can dig that some of the time, but every time? You’re supposed to be equals not her servant. I mean if you’re having sex solely to please her everytime that seems like an unhealthy relationship (unless you’re asexual or something).

  • John DeArmon

    Thanks Michael! I think all of the angry, thinly-disguised MRA comments just show how important it is for men to wake up and take suggestions like yours to heart. If I could make one addition, it would be: “take time out of your day to call your father” right after the one about calling your mother. I think a lot of men’s first ideas about masculinity come from their fathers, which often results in cold, distant relationships with them. Talking honestly about life with your dad, with all feelings and emotions included, is a good way to break down gender roles and stereotypes. I guess you could lump that in with “strengthen your relationships with other men,” but I think it warrants its own spot on the list.

  • Claire

    Every single thing on this list assumes women are helpless and if men don’t make concessions we’re constantly terrified. You don’t have to walk on the other side of the street when I pass you at night. You don’t have to stop looking at women you find attractive. Buying your books at an independent bookstore is not helping women, unless a woman happens to own that bookstore. Just be a respectful, kind human being to everyone you meet. End of list.

  • Amanda Evans

    Wonderful list, Thank you so much Michael. This made me think that it would be great to have a similar list about how men can help themselves and other men through feminism, and how feminism improves men’s lives as well. You already mentioned a few (being able to emotionally express yourself, practicing self-care, and connecting with the community of feminists). Keep up the great work! I will take many of these to heart myself.

    • Marcus Anderson-Smythe

      Nothing says helping males like saying you should comply with the idea of being seen as a criminal. -Sigh-


        Poor you. Don’t want to be seen as a criminal? DON’T COMMIT ANY CRIMES. Accountability, what is it?

  • jon

    I find it interesting that the factor of class doesn’t seem to have come up in this discussion. To state it very baldly, femininist commentry can sometimes seem like privilged middle class men and women lecturing less privileged working class men and women. I’m not saying that that’s (always) the case, but I think it’s an important dimension to consider.

  • Glementine

    I’m sorry, the list is awesome, and I’m so excited about discovering Louis CK, but the title makes me uncomfortable.

    Don’t be a fucking ally.

    An ally implies that there need to be women to protect, which is of course true.
    But better just be a feminist; be anti-patriarchy, and do it for
    yourself because it hurts men too.

  • Menperor Mengsk

    ’9. Walk on the other side of the street when a woman is walking towards you at night.’

    Good suggestion, but I’m not sure it goes quite far enough. Men are tricksy little blighters with many surruptious methods of oppression. Who’s to say you won’t catcall at a woman from across the street? What if you double back after she walks by and molest her from behind, escaping into a cloud of patriarchical ninja-dust? What if you sabotaged the pavement in front of her with a rape trap? As a real feminist ally there should be no limits on your time, effort and dignity when it comes to pandering to the potential paranoia of every woman you stumble upon. Maybe instead of crossing the street at night, we should immediately freeze under a lamp post with our hands in the air, loudly declaring our lack of intent to rape, molest, oogle, objectify, look at, or breathe the same air as the woman approaches, before ziptying our hands and lying face down on the pavement, reciting andrea dworkin and feminist slam poetry to truly put the delicate princess at her ease.

  • CTMaloney

    I am certainly pro-choice as long as that choice is by a FATHER and a MOTHER whether to raise a child or have an abortion. It is not mainly about a woman’s “body” or such and all talk of all that should be stopped. There are some women who support men should have equal rights as in abortion, VAWA, cancer, life expectancy help, But what to do about 93% of fatalities at work being men? More women should go into roofing, electric line repair, sewer maintenance, subway maintenance, broadcast tower erection and maintenance, and all kinds of construction work.

  • DHC

    “This may be a surprise to you, but smiling isn’t always a sign of
    potential sign of interest and attraction. Sometimes, it just means the
    person is nice and wants to acknowledge your existence as a human being”

  • Sylvie Rueff

    If you are in a position to determine pay, be sure women are being paid the same as men doing similar work, and have similar promotion opportunities. If you see your female peers being unfairly treated in the workplace, have their back in whatever it takes to rectify the situation.

    • michaelurbina

      Thank you.

  • gayt0r

    As a gay man, I’m incredibly offended that you basically equated the experiences of a member of the LGBT community to these of a woman that occurred because of her sex by including them as a sub-allyship in this list. First of all, homophobia is a far, far more serious and prevalent problem in the United States than sexism. The LGBT community faces far more backlash, lack of support, and oppression than the female population ever will. The issues of the LGBT community need to be a priority among our allies.

    Whether or not you want to admit it, there are two sides to the majority of America. Women make up 50% of the United States population, just as men do when the LGBT community only makes up 3%. It’s still legal to fire people for being gay in some states, same sex marriage is constantly denied, there definitely aren’t as many organizations holding widespread protests against the female population, and the list goes on. I just read through an article about the Attorney General of Ohio campaigning to deny a dying gay man’s wish to be buried next to his significant other for God’s sake!

    We do not need people who go like, “Hey, I’m a feminist so I guess that means I support the LGBT community too!” We need people who recognize that homophobia is a serious, serious, serious problem that needs to be addressed NOW. Our issues need to be placed as the top priority, not as “sub-issues” of the female population. Do not equate our experiences to these of a demographic who clearly 1) is a majority, NOT a minority 2) has far more widespread protection, rights, and support than us. Women are not on the same level as the LGBT community when it comes to oppression. Period.

    • empathy helps

      Queer woman of color here. I disagree with you on a couple points. First, supporting women and supporting the LGBTQ community is not a mutually exclusive proposition. I’m sure upon reflecting you can see that those identities coexist for some individuals. But furthermore, both the oppression of women and the oppression of LGBTQ people stem from the same source–patriarchy. This is probably why they were mentioned together here.

      As for the oppression olympics comparison about who has it worse (and thus presumably deserves the most attention), that is ultimately unproductive. Different target identities have it different, and systematically oppressing someone for who they are is equally wrong no matter what form it takes. Straight women may not have to worry about being able to marry their partners, sure. But then again, gay men don’t generally encounter a barrage of shaming messaging at every turn that constructs them as sexualized, passive objects to be dominated in every facet of society, either. And have you noticed that the majority of “LGBTQ” events, clubs, bars, parades, are geared towards and dominated by gay men? That’s sexism too.

      Perhaps you might reflect on instances where you may have witnessed, or personally experienced abuse directed toward a gay man that centered around their supposed femininity (sissy, fairy, etc.). Then think of what it might feel like to actually be a woman in a society where that is so reviled. Numbers have nothing to do with it…apartheid, for example, was perpetrated by a small minority against everyone else. These things are linked (as all forms of oppression are), and if we want to get anywhere in bringing about change, we need mutually honor the unique challenges that different communities encounter and work together to end the bullshit.

      • LANE


  • Nina Trovato

    Awesome post Michael! I am going to share it with my followers. I think they will absolutely love it.

    My only critique is in #89 you said “Men are never oppressed under patriarchy. ”

    I think understand your sentiment. Men are never oppressed by feminism, perhaps?

    Men are effected by patriarchy because patriarchy perpetuates gender roles, the notion that men should not cry or be emotional, that men cannot be caregivers to their children, etc. That being said, they definitely are not affected to the magnitude that women are.

    • michaelurbina

      Thank you! Just changed “under” to “by.” I was battling with word choice when I wrote ths.

  • Hank

    I have known a lot of slutty girls who do a lot of slutty things, would you like to read an article on the subject? I think I will write one that suggests wearing short skirts makes you seem slutty, and to avoid being a slut, you should never wear makeup that looks too slut-like because slutty girls are out there…not all girls are sluts, but the slutty ones do exist, so let’s be an ally to men and not come off too much like a slut for them so they aren’t confused.

    • LANE

      This point of view is quite disturbing. If you are using the term slut to mean someone who is sexually promiscuous then it applies to both sexes. In order for a woman to look “less slutty” she must be judged on a scale of what society has deemed looks or seems slutty. Men are not held to these terms. In order to set these standards on women you have to first agree that they should be treated differently. So if you believe that there is really nowhere to begin a conversation since I am a feminist who believes women should be treated equal to men.


    Treating women like men are treated is treating them like they are “above” you. SAYS IT ALL. And, if you cannot help but talk to women disrespectfully, then stay away from them. I am sure that women avoid you already, though.


    Piss off, MRA. You are boring. We know ALLL about you. Back to AVFM you go.




    And, I’m out. Gotta fix my car.

  • AnonLady

    #60 In addition to hyphenation and a wife keeping her own last name, the options of: the husband taking her name, both hyphenating their names, or creating a family name together should be mentioned.

  • JamiePartridge

    I disagree with #1. While I have privilege relative to women, I do not benefit from patriarchy nor are women oppressed because of my privilege. Although men function as oppressors in many situations, women and men will both benefit immensely from the removal of this patriarchal, capitalist system which forces women to reproduce a workforce for exploitation by capital. Check out http://wearemany.org/v/2013/06/marxism-womens-liberation

  • castikat

    My friend posted this and at first I wasn’t sure any of it was really necessary…until my male friends started arguing how “disgusting” and “harmful” it was to do anything to make women feel safer (specifically in reference to #9). Made me feel sick to hear what they said about this list and now I recognize how necessary it is. Thanks for this.

  • rikkimuffin

    Patriarchy effectively favours male domination, therefore MEN who do not prescribe to the typical macho masculine image are met with scrutiny for being “effeminate”, therefore they are being hurt by the patriarchy and not able to express their own masculinity that may fall outside of “this is what it means to be a man” box. If the general assumption is that to be female is to be inferior, then men who show any amount of femininity are also inferior. I’m sure you’ve encountered or participated in homophobia as a response to a man doing something that was considered “gay” or “for women” and perhaps was even met with violence. Men are also disadvantaged by the notion that women are inherently better caretakers (beliefs perpetuated by patriarchy) and therefore lose custody battles for their children for this reason. Men are also more expected to fight for their country and join the army, this resulting in more veteran suicides being male. With that said, men who adhere to the cis-white-hetero identity are provided with more opportunities and less scrutiny than others. You are less likely to be turned down for a job, stopped on the street by police officers, sexually harassed or assaulted etc. than your non-male or non-white counterparts. Patriarchy hurts everyone by saying that your biology determines your inherent worth or role in society, not your character, intellect or integrity.

  • theora55

    Do your fair share at home.
    Respect work that is traditionally done by women – child care, nursing, teaching, home care, etc.
    Be gender-neutral in hiring
    Support equal pay for equal work.

    Support equality for women – in law, culture, and at home.

  • Kiran Buenafe

    Cross the street when a woman approaches? Do I have to give up my seat on the bus now too? What the hell kind of garbage is this? Is every man who doesn’t give up the sidewalk a woman’s enemy now? Shall we label him a rape supporter. Way to gender shame people, the very thing you preach against. Oh, but don’t force your views on anyone, says number 16. Talk about the pot calling the kettle “black”. When has feminism ever shied away from shoving its views down everyone’s throats under the threat of shame or even violence. Why should I listen to such a hypocritical movement? And turning magazine covers backwards. I wasn’t aware we were sinking to graffiti, defacing, and vandalism now. Those magazines are covered under something, I think it’s THE FIRST AMENDMENT. Is it ok for people to deface your propaganda material now? Shall we go around and rip down every feminism poster in the city? Do you not see how many double standards you hold? You can’t even respect the very constitutional amendment that allows you to write these articles in the first place. How disgraceful.

  • samstagskind

    I got too impatient before even reading halfway down the list. This guy thinks like a cult member. He’s a paradigm of why feminism is nonsense. The thinking is totally revolved about treatment of women, their plight, their needs, their wants, and blah, blah, blah. Men have privilege in certain ways, yes, but often it’s a privilege from MOTHER Nature, such as we don’t get pregnant, we don’t have menstrual cycles, we’re physically stronger, and so on. Females have privilege too, but their conveniently ignored because feminist argument would be so much weaker.

    Mr. Urbina, or is “Mr.” an offensive term?,

    Widen your horizons. Stop having such narrow vision. Man up! You’ll only get a handful of men to kowtow to feminist rant. You might earn praise from many feminists, but that won’t get you in your pants. I know, how sexist! But any normal male still has that instinct; he likes the challenge of being with a woman he’s attracted to, unless, of course, he’s a eunuch, asexual, or gay. Observing the nonsense you’ve written, you’re one of the three. And by the way, author Warren Farrell was an ardent feminist in the Seventies until he wised up to the hypocrisy.

  • Lia Walsh

    I’ve got one word for you: intersectionality.

  • NotSureifSerious

    This was quite possibly the worst list I’ve ever come across. Not only is modern feminism completely pointless but the fact this comes from a man is even more sickening. This was clearly fueled by high amounts of estrogen as any man with some common sense can see the hypocritical nature of these points. An obvious example is this “16. Never force your opinions on other people.” and then suddenly claiming two points down “18. Be pro-choice.”. It’s got to the point where men can’t talk to women and their uber feminist power without feeling threatened by the “patriarchy” and complain about how they’re being hit on and don’t wish to be objectified.

    This is also coming from the same types of women who believe they’re at such a disadvantage compared to men. Statements such as ‘Omg we get paid less WE NEED FEMINISM HURRR’ when looking at real facts and statistics show that’s it’s 90% the fault of women. Many women go to college/university and participate in social science or art degrees, a higher amount than men in fact and then wonder why they earn less. If they picked a more academic subject, then of course you’d be earning similar to men. If fields in areas such as science and economics and manual labor are dominated by men, then OF COURSE men will have a higher average pay. You get what you put in and if you think painting daffodils for a degree is going to spawn you money similar to a chemist, you’re clearly not looking at how the world works. I could rant forever on alimony, custody of children, women gaining most of the possessions of men from a divorce (such as a house or car) despite them working at home when the guy is out earning the money.

    To finish this off and quote the writer himself “I’m a Sociology and Women’s and Gender Studies Double Major. ” Congratulations, you appeal to women who need to feel empowered over nothing and be threatened by a now obsolete system. We have men’s studies, it’s called “History.” Time for you to get a real job buddy.